purple rain.

i've been getting better at getting myself out of bad situations. last night at a party a guy pretty dosed up on e was trying to dance with me. he wanted me to touch his sweaty body and it was making me sick and he kept asking me, "are you rolling, are you rolling?" and he took the water out of my hand and put his fingers in it and was doing god knows what with it. i was a little blurry through the mushrooms and cocaine and in the past i most likely would have continued dancing with him but this time, as i sensed his hostility, as he yelled in my face, "i don't want DATE you, BELIEVE me, i just want to DANCE with you, is that WRONG?" his arms flailing, and i said, "i gotta go," and I hightailed it to the bathroom.

props to me. props to me.

last night turned in things i didn't expect. i wasn't even going to go to this party, i've been staying in and enjoying myself, and at the last minute i called katie (it pays to know people, i guess) and said, put me on the guestlist, i'm coming!

i got dressed up all cute. i brought my roommate who has never been big all night parties (i guess it's passe to call them raves anymore) and we both sort of rocked out. at points in the night i was dissapointed with myself. it's hard to not give into temptation when it's right in front of your face, when it's right there and someone says, hey, want a bump, hey, want this? hey, want that? uhm, yeah sure, oh wait....now i'm doing it again.

but, strange as it sounds....i feel ok.

i met some really cool people, and i stood up for myself better than i would have in the past, and i didn't drink a ton (even though doing drugs doesn't make it much better, i know) and i got to hula hoop in the back of the room by myself somewhere around 4 or 5 or 6 am, and for the first time in ages, i felt at one with that hoop.

i cried alot. i'm still really sad about james. i'm sad about how our friendship/or lack thereof ended, i'm sick that i didn't stand up for myself with him, and instead save it for late night encounters with nameless men. i'm sad about that that goddamn cat that i grew to love as my own. god, i miss that beautiful cat with her green eyes, sort of like james, when i really think about it. how much i loved both of them, from the bottom of my heart.

i'm going to tape the drag show in a few mintues. i don't really want to go...the energy in the drag scene can be really weird, with all the queens secretly hating each other.

oh, there goes elliott smith on my ipod.....

my heart aches, but i'm alive.

i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive.

i met a cool person last night. he sat with me as i talked and talked and later on when he saw me hooping, he said, "how are you," and i said, "i feel alive."


all i've ever wanted was to feel alive.