letter (email) to a good friend.

girl,
i don't even know. i am just so hurt and frustrated by everything
right now. i have given up weeks of my life emailing people that i
don't even know off of craigslist to try and get a person for this
fucking room. then yesterday people are coming and mike d goes to the
gym instead of helping me clean the house, then he arrives late, keri
doesn't even show up at all because she said she had a bad day on
friday and she is recuperating at her boyfriend's house. give me a
break. what, like i want to spend my whole fucking weekend meeting
freaks i don't know in my apartment? what if i just decided that i
had a bad day and couldn't do it anymore?? it's so fucking
frustrating. i'm sick of this life. i am sick of being the only
goddamn person who does anything around this fucking house. now it is
sunday and we have 5 people coming later. still no word from keri and
mike d went out last night and never came home. james had a going
away shindig last night that was ok. that girl he was kinda seeing
for awhile was there and i was like hey i don't think we've met what's
your name and she just fucking IGNORED me. who ARE these people???

also, i'm having serious problems with james. i know that some of it
is my fault. i can't be alone with him. i can't look him in the
eyes. i am just too hurt and angry. i am so hurt and angry on so
many levels pertaining to him. i'm hurt about what happened last
year. i'm hurt about how he fucked with my heart, i'm hurt that he
made me feel like a freak for liking him, i'm hurt that whenever his
"better" new york friends come around he ignores me, i'm hurt that he
told me last new years that he wanted to hang out with me because "he
didn't have any friends.' I'm hurt that he's moving to nyc because he
"needs more love." Fuck you. I'm hurt that he came in here the other
night because i needed some files off his drive and said that yeah, he
guesses i could look through it but he's worried about privacy because
his email has been fucked up. what the fuck is that???? were we ever
friends? or was i just some person he had around because he "has no
friends in boston." i hate how he thinks that he can talk to me in
this passive aggressive tone, how he can claim that certain friends
are his and not mine, how he acts better than everyone, how he
borrowed my fucking paintings for this school project and never
bothered to get them back, then i had to beg and fucking beg to get
this dude's phone number and when i finally got ahold of him the guy
was like, look i told james tons of times to come and get it i've had
so many roommates since, i have no idea where it is, i'm hurt at the
way he acted like micah and i were losers when we smoked a joint in
the kitchen, but then we would get drunk and he would ask me for coke
??????????????????????? i'm hurt that he thinks that he could treat me
like shit, but whenever he needs something, my scanner, my printer, my
printer paper, my brushes that he ruined and said he would replace and
never did, it's just all well and good. i'm pissed that he hasn't
paid me for the fucking cable bill that has now added up to 4 MONTHS
that i just keep tacking the new bill onto. who the fuck IS this
person????? I'm hurt that when i wrote him that letter last year he
barely even responded. i'm hurt that he acted like i took advantage
of him when he was drunk (like i wasn't, what the fuck??) and should
have to apologize and apologize.

i want to be able to be nice to him in this last week so that we will
be ok later on, but i can't even talk to him, can't even look at him,
can't even be around him. i flipped out on him yesterday and then he
left the apartment.

there is so much fucking rage built up inside me i feel like i am
going to collapse. i am sick of these fucking people. i am sick of
this place. i am sick of feeling apathetic and thinking bad thoughts
about those around me. i'm sick of not having enough money to live
with less people, i'm sick of paying rent, i'm sick of this goddamn
city, i'm sick of not knowing what i want, i'm sick of everything.

i am really not feeling good lately. i'm trying to tell myself that
it's the winter, it's james moving out, it's being overwhelmed, it's
being bored. but it's getting to a point where i'm feeling really
really trapped in my situation and i'm not sure how to get out. i was
thinking of going down the the store to get some beers, but i'm
worried it's going to start a whole cycle again, of drinking and
hating myself and wanting to die, and then drinking and hating myself
and wanting to die. i love this apartment, i'm just not feeling these
people, i really am infuriated with keri for not giving a fuck, for
leaving me to do all the work, for being so sickly dependent on her
boyfriend and not caring about anything else.

i'm sick of not being able to connect. of never being able to be
attracted to anybody. of being stuck in a grey area that makes no
sense. i'm sick of feeling like i hate everyone. that i can't let
people close to me. that i don't trust anyone.

i was looking at burning man pictures last night and was thinking. it
was sad. i'm so just over it, but i want that sense of adventure
again. i want to be able to see something new. there is a picture
of us in front of pyramid lake in nevada and i just remember that
feeling of joy in my heart when i saw it. i was going somewhere new,
things were exciting and alive. i do not feel alive right now. i feel
like someone sucked my soul out of my body and left me as this empty
shell.

i feel frustrated that the only person i have been able to fall for in
the last 7 years has been someone like james. i am a total glutton
for punishment. on one hand i want to be able to like someone, but on
the other hand the feeling of falling for someone feels horrible and
empty to me now, because whenever it has happened it has been for
people who aren't good for me, dana, james, or people who don't even
know i exist, rik.

everything is just so boring and bland, and i fear that i'll never be
able to come back to a place where i feel ok, where i feel like i am
creating, where i feel like i am doing something worthwhile.

part of me wants to just pack up and leave, go somewhere different for
awhile, get a job on a farm or something and just pass the time. i'm
terrified to derail my path, and i don't even know what path i'm on.

my anger has been out of control. i feel closed and out of control.

love you
love you,

larisa