information noise brigade

tonight was interesting.
we watched the royal tannenbaums and he stroked my knee. grabbed my foot. we talked. i've got no voice. sick as a dog.
tonight i used nasal spray for the first time. it's actually the first time i've put anything up my nose. i was really scared. you have to inhale while you spray and i wasn't sure how to do it. the post nasal feeling was awful and i blew my nose right after.
bad idea?
it feels a little better now but i can't stop swallowing. this is supposed to make me feel better??
ugh.
it said to only use 2 sprays a day. maybe i need more?
i think i'll take some nyquil.
who ever thought to make these pills in such pretty colors? that's my true weakness really. i do love those pills. i think it's the whole swallowing action. i love how they sit on my tongue. with pills it's one quick swoop. one swallow and you'll be ok.
maybe that's not always true.

i'm so going to miss james when he goes to prague. he's slowly become one of my most treasured friends.

****************

the other night was most amazing in the fact that he came to me first. drunker than i've ever seen him before. i swiveled my hoop around my hips. he comes up to me at the party and starts to dance with me. grabs my ass, give it a quick slap. he always does this after he's had a few drinks. few drinks turned into a million and i swiftly took the keys to drive him home. went over the curb, out of the parking lot. left right left right. it felt good to be the sober one for once.

he tries to pee in the corner of the lot and can't get his belt back up. "i'm too skinny," he slurs. grabs my hula hoop - he's all rubbing it pretending it's me. i hook my arm through his and walk him home.
he came to my bedroom, he's all over me. he wants it but he's drunk and drooling on me. i get him some water. get him changed. lay him down and turn off the lights.
i checked on him periodically to make sure he was breathing. slowly, silently beside me. i think i love him, i honestly do. but maybe not.

my hips freakin' hurt. it's time for some bidirectional hooping action. or maybe just some sleep. i really have been feeling something awful.
i didn't wear my retainer for a few nights and my tongue ring cut into the bottom of my gums. i hate when it does that - it hurts so freakin' bad. so now i have some braces wax that sarah bought me in la stuck to my gums.
fuck.
my mom wants me to move back to la.
move to japan, says joshua. move anywhere - but get out of boston.
"why?"
"because boston sucks."

i sit and stare. this is where i grew up. he realizes this and apologizes. i nod - my attention is elsewhere.
he wants me to drive cross country with him to san francisco.
i'd love to, but i'd need a way back.
and a week in the car? would we hate each other by the west coast? surely we'd sleep together.
but maybe not.

p's coming to new york in june. i imagine i'll meet up with him. rendez vous.
i just want to be loved.

but this will settle for now.


bed*