the most interesting thing happened today. i was on break at work when alexis from LA called. she is leaving her apartment and wanted to know if i want to live there. the rent is 445 - in santa monica!! i told her that i didn't know. she said that she had someone coming over to look at the apt of sunday. i told her to call me after that and we could discuss. i would have to move in like...next month.. am i ready?
then i went back into work.
said to damian, "day, i just got offered an apt in LA, do you think I should move?"
"what?" he says, "no! you're my model!"
oh yeah - that's right...i'm the model for his sculpture project this summer..
"but i won't hold you back," he says.
"yeah," i say.
back to making mochas.

came home. talked to alex on the phone about it. go go go, she says. what have you got to lose? why waste time? what's holding you back? starbucks?

i don't know i don't know i don't know, i said.

went on the roof with the hoops. said to myself...i'm gonna hoop this out. and let it go. 15 mins. maybe 20. i looked up at the sky and closed my eyes.

the hoops said that the time is not right. no, i said to myself. i'm excited about this. this should be right. but no matter how much i tried, the hoops remained with their initial decision.
called my mom. talked for a bit.
she says she thinks that i'm scared and so i'm going to put my life on hold.
"how is moving to japan putting my life on hold?"
she wants me to get a real job. i don't think i can do it. ever. but what am i gonna do. work at fucking starbucks for the rest of my life?

came downstairs.
"what did the hoops say?" jaimes asks.
"they said it's not time."
"i don't think it's time either," he said.

but...then what?

why do i feel like every moment i spend is wasting time?







i miss being 19.
i remember i used to use this watermelon spray stuff from victoria secret called "heart." they ended up discontinuing it, but it was the best smell ever. it was pink and sparkly and i would turn the bottle over and over again while i'd talk on the phone.
that summer we went to lynn alot, and i had dyed my hair jet black. i still worked at the retail store. my first job. i worked there for 3 years. sometimes i think about it. sometimes i think about everything.

we also spent alot of time in the lynn woods that summer. my boyfriend at the time (later finace) was convinced that there was something in those woods. we both loved nature and i love hiking with him. there was a tower at the top, and we'd talk.
sometimes i miss who i used to be.
especially because i can never be that person again.

chain smoking cigarettes.
so overly confident.
so...young.
it makes me want to cry inside.

sometimes i wish it all worked out, but it never would have.

i'm not even sure where i am now, and why i care so goddamn much. why can't i just live for the moment and stop stressing so much about what everything means.

because really it all means nothing.

i used to wear alot of makeup back then.
makes me want to put some on right now, even though it's really not me anymore.
i remember living with my parents....how long ago that seems.
sometimes i find it unreal that i'm an adult and there is no going back the other way.
this is it kids, you're all grown up.

i'm not even sure how to fully comprehend this.







sometimes i just want to turn my brain off.


maybe that's why when i get freaked out i just want to smoke. but it never works. i get really paranoid for one. i think it will help but it never does. liquor works better but then i hit on everyone and hate myself in the morning.
i wish i didn't always want to turn to substances.

stupid..

my roomies just came home, but i hope they leave me alone.


i just need to be alone.

or with someone who truly understands.

ha, which is no one, because i'll never let anyone in.


my stomach is all messed up right now.
blarg.

take it and run.

nothing is for all and all is for nothing.

but maybe that's just right now.

out*