i don't want to call you so you can say shit like, "i told you so." i just want things to go back to how they were before. before i became so horribly lonely. when did this happen? oh, i guess it's been around for awhile really. wasn't that the whole point of my promiscuous period - to disperse the lonliness inside? whatever.

i've become a better person since then. now i sleep with no one. i'm careful about who i kiss. (most of the time.)

i don't know.

what am i supposed to say? now i feel like the shithead when i'm the one being stepped on.

jaimes went to prague today. i hung out with him and his friends in harlem. we made salad and watched movies and i thought about how much i'm going to miss him. i thought about how much he means to me and how i probably don't mean all that much to him, because he's a floater.
fuck,
now i'm crying. the subway came, the B train, he was waiting for the A, and he looked at me and said, "bye larisa," and i said, "bye jaimes," and then put on my big mary kate olson style sunglasses and got on the train.
tears running down my face but no one knew. i caught the 1pm bus to boston and thought of him flying over my head.

he's the only person i've been able to talk to for quite some time.

i'm so depressed i think i want to die. and i hate admitting that. it just crept up, i kept thinking it would pass like it always does -- but i just need someone there, i need that fuel, i'm suffocating, i don't know how to be alone but that's all that i am because i don't know how to be anything else.

the funny thing is - i'm around people ALL the time. it never ends. but i never feel any less lonely.



i've decided i need to rid of my of people who make me feel bad. i guess that's them.


oh fucking someone make this all ok. and tomorrow it's back to making lattes and wishing i were someone else, someone new, someone better.

i hate thinking these thoughts.

my therapist thinks i should come twice a week, but i don't have the cash.

tomorrow please be better.