i see squares of pictures in my head.

i fell asleep last night when i got home at 8pm and just woke up now at 9am. wow. i must have been exhausted. on the way home last night i went to the liquor store and bought some beer, then i saw a gin and juice pre made mix and thought, jaimes would love that, but then realized that i won't be seeing him, which seemed like an even better reason to buy it. i came home with the plan to get rather liquored up, but instead just crawled into bed.

i think i've fully realized my obsession, and i'm hoping it creeps away in the time that he is away.
here's what it is:
*because he was raised as a girl, he is so much more sensitive to a woman's needs than any other guy i've ever met. when i get freaked out and cry he doesn't roll his eyes like mike d and ask why girls are so emotional. he'll say something like, "it's ok." who knows. you get what i mean.
*he's just so fucking strong and beautiful. even when i was video clippings and pictures of him as a girl i thought he was just as beautiful.
*he's respectful.
*he's blunt and honest.
*he's an amazing artist.
*he's absolutely and 100 percent brilliant.
*he's ridiculously funny. like, for real.
*he reads theory for fun. like, who does that? he'll get depressed and say something like, "ugh - i've been thinking way too much about post modernism. where the fuck is my delueze book." i absolutely adore it.
*i can honestly say that i've never met another soul like him.

the weird thing is....my obsession with him isn't entirely sexual. i don't even know if i'm ready for sex with anyone, why would this be any different? if i had to spend a hundred days with him trapped somewhere and never have it move past friendship, that would also be fine with me. but sometimes i just want to squeeze him. and watch him. i spend alot of time watching him because he intrigues me so. i want to listen to every word he says. but i never want him to know.

my friend b says i love him. "in love?" i ask. "i don't understand any of that bullshit," he says. "there are just different levels of love."
perhaps it's true.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO SEATTLE. i just hope i can afford it.


on that note..
i've noticed that i don't really have any desire to hang out with the other hoopers anyore. a is an exception because i feel that we are actually friends, but i just feel silly hanging out with a bunch of people simply because all hoop. plus, i've just been feeling very solitary lately and i sort of want hooping for myself. i get very quiet when i do it, i just want to listen to the music and groove. i don't know what my deal is lately. blah.


i feel ok today, despite everything. i've got training in an hour, and then therapy right after that. i think mark wants to hang out and go for a drive, which is very exicting because i never get to ride in cars! he and his roommate got into a big fight last night because they were going to hang out for his last night in town before adam heads off to rehab for 28 days. well i guess adam brought a girl home instead and mark got mad and then adam ripped up the whole apartment.
who knows.
i'm off.