everything is about breathing, he says. just breathe. in. and out.

****

i met duncan while on acid. it was june 2004 and i was at a festival in the beautiful mountains of vermont. somehow, everyone i was with decided to get involved in a game of hackey sack -- something i've never been good at -- and i started feeling sad, and alone. everything was too bright and loud, and there were too many people and i felt overexposed..and underprepared.

so i decided to volunteer.

i volunteered at the kitchen where i chopped carrots and celery.

duncan was my fellow kitchen worker. he was grumpy, as duncan is, and short answered. he seemed annoyed that i was talking to him. but since i didn't know what to do, and i was frightened, and i felt that my heart might explode out of my chest with love, i kept at it. i asked him what he did for work. i asked if he liked it. i chopped carrots and laughed and giggled and somewhere along the way duncan opened up to me.

i ran into him months later and screamed, "you're duncan and do research for diabetes!" he was touched that i remembered him.

since then, i don't see duncan all that much, but i treasure his friendship. he's a bit older than me, in his 30's, and he just seems so wise.

right now he is helping me in my job search and i am so grateful.

*******

*at work today*

suddenly, my head exploded in pain. i didn't know where i was. i had run into w during break and he had asked about my breakoff with my friends. i acted like i didn't care (do i?) i was uninvolved, scattered, but after i left him it started bothering me.

i feel sick.

i can't believe they did this to me.

once you see the dark side in someone, you tend to see it in everyone.

the humidity is making me dizzy. i'm gonna shower and hope everything works out ok.





and out.