today was a little difficult, my first day as 27. i've been tired, my period is due tomorrow and i've been angry and irritated with just about everyone. i really want to get my TEFL certification this summer but i just checked the prices and it's almost 3000 dollars! wtf, why is everything so much money? i've been having trouble lately with wanting to go to work, even though my jobs are totally dumb...i don't know. i guess i really don't know what i want to do. i want to make art, but i don't want to do it through a commercial way...i don't want to have to make art for other people. i just want to learn learn learn. i thought about teaching but i'm petrified of public speaking. then i thought that i might want to make music, write a zine, but none of this shit is marketable, nor do i want it to be. could it be true that i'm just a huge kid that can never grow up? is it so awful that i don't want a job that i have to go to everyday, i don't want responsibility that is not being there for my friends, learning about issues, helping out those in need, experiencing nature, and etc. maybe i should just join the peace corps.... fuuuuuck. i hate feeling like a loser, i hate wondering if i'm just a big kid... i hate wondering if i've been on this earth 27 years and what have i learned? how to cut and paste? how to glue? how to make a mess with acrylic paints? how to chat on the phone for hours? how to cut my bangs over the bathroom sink? how to hula hoop? gaaaaahhh.

ok, so like i've sort of been seeing this boy, which is totally weird for me...and we've only kissed alot and he bought me this book called fish face for my birthday which i know is like 30 bux and he knew that i wanted it and after i left the party where i saw him i cried on the train home because of his sweetness. he is so fucking sweet to me and he is moving to san francisco in 30 days. we spend alot of time together, more than i spend with most people, and ...i just don't know. i fell into bed with tara a few weeks ago and it was so nice, probably the nicest time we've had together, because there was no pressure and then i went over to rich's house a day or so later and flipped out saying i'm gay i'm gay, i can't be doing this. he said, maybe you should see if the label bisexual fits you for awhile. yeah maybe. the problem is that i'm petrified of that thing between his legs, but things have been ok so far. aaaaaaanyways.

i've been waking up in panic attacks lately, but i was crafty tonight, so i feel a little bit better.

i've been listening to scream club, which is this lesbian rap duo. i like it. ha.


xxooo