so it's late at night and i'm up crying, just having watched the bright eyes video "first day of my life' and I'm crying about tara and about everything else, and how i'm obsessed with a woman named jo whose too butch for her own good and how i can never be with anyone, it's true, i can't open myself that way i can't do it i can't do it and it will always be this way....and i'll be alone and grey because i couldn't let anyone in because i get bored and alone and i wish i could do it i wish i could do it i wish i could care about anyone in a way that was healthy i wish i didn't feel like i couldn't see when i'm that close like i'm suffocated beneath my own wings and i just can't fly i just can't fucking fly i just can't fucking fly.

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so i just hula hooped a bunch to get the tears out.

i'm just so ashamed in so many ways. i'm so ashamed that i tried to drink myself to death last year and i didn't even recognize it. i'm ashamed that someone like james could make me feel like i did...so in love..or was it...because it's almost the same as before, to the point where i almost called him dana, whoops, dana....it was almost the same kind of abuse.