not for nothing

and so... it's been awhile and i have not written, but tonight i feel lonely, and it's 2:25 in the morning of some German holiday and I can't sleep. but maybe i don't have much to write either. mourning the death of another fling. so many feelings that i even had to block him on fb. drama rama? nah, i'm thinking of it more as an act of self love. self love, self love. how does that fit into my life lately. yes, i'm trying it. yes, i'm reading many books. always carrying water and fruit in my bag. tonight someone told me that i must have a body of steel. haha, i wish. i wish for alot. but mostly, as always, i wish for love. i wish for love of myself. and i wish for tender caring, long kisses, making love till sunrise. it could happen, yes? but instead it happens with these men who are players, and when it does happen it feels good, oh so good, and i fall every time. and they care, to an extent, but they can't give me what i want. they can't give me anything at all, besides a few good orgasms, and even those grow cold, because i need the security and intimacy behind them, and when it's just not there, i feel frigid, freaked out and sad inside. how i long to be stared at with such love that is for real this time. tomorrow is the birthday party of a friend that i want to attend. trying to make good friends here in berlin. good friends who don't stay out till sunrise drinking tequila, as i sometimes like to do. hello, my name is larisa ann and i have gotten so wise, and yet, it is still not wise enough for what i want. to be free of myself in a way, to be free of any negativity. to feel love for myself and to feel that there is someone out there who will want to take the time to really be with me. not be with me and other partners. ok out.