i've been flirting with the idea of checking myself into the hospital. i just feel so awful lately. however, i've been institutionalized once before, and i don't really remember it helping much == just sort of scared the piss out of me and made me take steps to see that it would never happen again.
lately i've been having the most awful thoughts. i was on the bus yesterday and i thought .. gee, when i get home i should jump off the roof, and then i got confused. did i really think that? it's been other stuff too. i've also been isolating myself from almost everyone.
right now, for me anyways, having friends seems like a bother, i can't seem to concentrate or think straight, and i can't cope with the problems that having any kind of relationship arises, so it's much easier to put on my big huge sunglasses and walk around town, going to work or doing errands, and making sure that no one knows me, and that i don't know anyone. i've been keeping things secret from my friends, not really secret, but..i don't talk about much. i don't say where i've been. i dont' mention people i saw, things i've done, or good things that have happend to me over the course of a day. i'm just sort of shy and withdrawn and i notice that the more people that are around, the worse i feel.
in manhattan i felt marvelous. you can be so annonymous in that city. i wanted to stay there and never come home, just be a nameless face so i'd never have to explain myself again, never have to say how i felt about anything (since lately it seems like i have NO opinion on anything... )
i don't know.
i talked with my mom on the phone - i was thinking of buying a plane ticket for seattle so i can perform in this show, and i was going to get a credit card for it, and then pay it off, and she sort of freaked out and was like...your school loans are coming in and then your rent and blah blah blah, and basically, i can't do anything right, i don't know WHAT to do, i make fucking 8.12 and hour and i bust my fucking ass and lately all i want to do is fucking die.

i know that i should be positive, but how can i be when i just want to crawl into this hole?

good news: i've been sober. so far. i'll probably drink tonight, but i have a joint in my dresser that i've stayed away from and all the gin and juice i bought the other night still remains unopened in the frige. i cleaned the bathroom and did my laundry. i still haven't cleaned my room or got rid of any of these papers, or got rid of any of my shit from school or worked on any of these art projects, but i'm alive right?

oh, on art projects.
list for me:
film:
ants on ceiling, "please," eyeball, wrists, deep breathing, 5 - 7 mintues, how do i stop the assault?
paintings:
night time city scape, crescent yellow shimmering moon, the cat
photography:
starbucks apron porn

i can't live without art, though i have not made much of it (besides my hoops) in quite some time. perhaps it's a dry spell, perhaps i'm just full of shit, perhaps i just fuel off of everyone else.

as i said to my mom: i'd rather be unstable than bored.


i'm such an immature little girl. i just alienate everyone. perhaps the hospital is the right place for me, i'd be out of everyone's way.


good news:
i've been eating better, so i feel and look better. i think i want to be a model. today i thought about puking, but it was not about eating, it was more like, i wanted to puke all the bad thoughts out of me. i've never made myself puke, except for the one time when i was 16 and ate bad meat on a camping trip.

i'm freaking myself out, i'm so fucking melodramatic, why can't i stop?


it just makes me hate it all more.




over.
and out.