le sigh.


what the fuck is going on?


i'm in the process of attempting to clean my room - i'm listening to bush's first cd, which brings me right back to being a 16 year old pothead. those days were so fucking easy now that i look back on it. we hung out at jen's, we smoked cigarettes, we got candy from the store, we smoked joints and out of aluminum cans. i hadn't yet gotten a job, i was so fucked all the time, and miserable, cutting myself and writing suicide notes, but somehow ....i feel different about it now. at least i felt like i had friends. or did i? what the fuck is this growing up anyways? do we just feel more and more alone till we die?

i have filled my head with art projects to divert my attention from the fact that i have no idea what is going on. let's see if i even stick to any of these, since my ideas of last summer seemed to be blown to shit.

i know that there is someone worthwhile deep inside of me, why can't i find her?


went out with my dad and my sister today for lunch, then walked home through all the parks.

i really need to clean - it's my goal for the day - but i'll probably write more later. and maybe i'll call andy .. he always seems to have some advice..or at least makes me feel like there's something there.


fuck.
it.
all.