i need to write

first it was the obsession with michael alig. then what?
i got depressed today when i realized that the days are just going to keep on coming. i need to have a goal or i'm going to drive myself mad.
so i went on a few dates with this real estate guy. first couple of dates were ok, then the third date we went and got a scorpian bowl and lightweight larisa over here, who just hours earlier was planning on telling this guy that we're not a right fit, ends up kissing him in front of her apartment.
and it was good.
so good in fact that i had to go upstairs and fucking masterbate. and quiet myself at that.
but like... what the fuck?
my hormones are out of control and it's controlling my life. the fact is is that i don't think of this guy when he's not around. i don't crave hanging out with him.
another thing.
my roommate moved back in. oh yes. that roommate. i want to hang out with him every second. but it's stupid. we're not right for each other.
went out with kelly today and she talked about mike with such ease. i wish i had her calm. her confidence. but then i wouldn't be me would i?
i'm too intense.
too out loud.
too much.
i just want someone to love me.
i want to love somebody.
but i won't let anyone in.

so what is life for?

dj shadow all the time.
do i compromise what i want?

for instance.

this dude is having a party on friday.
but the fire spinners are meeting up.
that's what i WANT to do.
but i feel bad.
why?

i'm fucking lame.