not doing so well.

i haven't been doing so well for a week or so.

i don't know if it's because of my total lack of a normal schedule, but i feel lost, and alone. worse, i feel like i really can't connect to anybody. i feel stuck inside my head with these feelings and i don't know how to change my point of view.

i feel like i want to run out of here. get me out of boston, get me out of here. i feel scared.



this year has been really hard. sometimes its seems like every year is.


sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be different. to be able to trust in people that they won't hurt me, that they won't rape me, that they arn't looking at me like a piece of meat, that there is more there.

i'm so lonely i don't think i can stand it.


and i don't know who to talk to anymore.

and i get really scared that at some point in my life i might end up taking my own life. it scares me more than anything, really. sometimes i look through my phone and i don't know who to talk to, i don't want to bother anyone. i just want to be in a place where i feel ok.

i felt ok for awhile because my life was so busy. not so much anymore and it's all falling down. i need to get back into it, because there's too much to think about when nothing is going on.

i wish i could talk to tara about this. i wish i could talk to her about anything, but i'm scared she'll laugh...scared she really doesn't care.

please don't leave me, let me leave you.

i've never felt like my own person.

and everyone says, oh larisa, you're so creative, oh larisa, you're an artist, but i don't see any proof of that. i don't see any proof of anything.

and my self esteem is so damn low. nothing feels like it matters if i'm a part of it, really.

suddenly it ceases to matter and i don't know why i hate myself so much. i don't even know if i hate myself, i don't know where these feelings came from or if they've always been there.

i just don't know.