i have more to say.

technically - it's mike canada's birthday. he'd be 25. i'll be 25 in march. fuck it. i'm sick of being older than him, but the truth is is that i'm just going to keep getting older. and he's going to stay the same fucking age. dead. sometimes it really annoys me. i want to crawl down into his grave and pull him up. i want to scream in his face. i want to tell him what an asshole he is for driving so fucking fast. for racing other cars. i wanna say, "you died at age 18 you fucking asshole." but i don't really want to do any of these things. i just want everything to be better.

i wish i'd never lost them. i know that's a stupid thing to say - but what else is there to say? what else can i say about it? sometimes it's just me with their pictures, with candles lit in a room by myself and i have nothing else to say but, "please, come back." i wonder if they are still around in some form of matter. i wonder if they are watching me. i wonder if they care. part of me hopes not. i like not to think of them watching me be a fuck up, or sleeping all day cuz i drank all night, or doing whatever else. it freaks me out to think that i need to be a perfect person because they are always watching. i'd love to be a perfect person.

i love to be in love.

i wish everything was simple. and i guess in terms it is. it's us that makes it unsimple. it's emotions that fuck it all up. in reality life is simple. you get up, you get dressed, you find something you like to do. you do it and get paid for it. you pay your bills, you make your dinner, you please your friends, you please your lovers. you sleep. where does all this other shit come in?

sometimes i get really really anxious. i feel like i'm waiting for something big to happen. then when i realize that this big thing that i'm waiting for doesn't really exist i get so depressed that i want to crawl in a hole and never come out. i just want constant excitement. i want to be loved, i want to be adored. i want people to think i'm beautiful, and fun..interesting. maybe they do. i don't feel it so much right now. i used to. but that's stupid. i need to make my life interesting, not depend on other people. i want to travel the fucking world. but i need money to do that..

gah....should be sleeping, but i slept too late today. where are my pills? i've been taking way too many of them lately. it's been a pill week. make the time pass please. i wish i liked someone, anyone.

a guy named cameron in los angeles said to me, "you sure have alot of wishes, larisa." at the time i wanted to punch him in the face. it's because he's right. i wanted to kick him in the balls. i wanted to say, shut the fuck up. i'm so angry. but i didn't. i stalled. he knew it and i didn't even know him.

if i never had to listen to techno again it would be a beautiful day.

i tend not to call anyone back. i'll look at my phone and realize that there is really no one that i feel like calling. where is this perfect ending they speak of?

sometimes i just want a rose. just one rose.

*sigh* what was i saying?

rest in peace mike canada. and happy birthday. i really will always love you.