so i just got off the phone with my mom. i was upset..kinda, and i was talking to her about how scared i am about graduation...i don't know what to do. part of me wants to leave the country. new zealand. how amazing. i feel like i'm only getting older, and alot of these programs have a cut off point of 30. that's not all that far away...
she told me to get ahold of the LA people and see if they would hire me. she said something to the extent of, "well if you got a job here you could stay here." to which i said, "yeah, but i'm not sure i WANT to stay here." maybe that was a bad thing to say. maybe ..
i wish i could talk to my mom about whatever i wanted. i could already hear the tears in her voice. "that's really far away, larisa," she says. what does it matter? what is 3000 miles to a million? it's all a plane ride?
i hate myself.
i don't know why i can't just be normal. why can't i grow up? why can't i just go to work in an office and smile? am i an artist? i feel so sick lately. i can't stop eating... i've been waiting for my period but it's not coming. i had it last month. so ...it couldn't be. i think i would absolutely die if i was pregant.
i also decided that i hate my therapist. she makes me feel horrible about myself. i think i'm gonna tell her when i go next week.
i hate feeling like the tears are right below the surface. i wish i could be positive. i'm petrified that i'm going to take the easy way out because i can.
but then again....why make life harder on myself? why do i have such a desire to travel this world?
i would kill to be normal.