dear jenessa. i miss you.
just got off the phone with my good childhood friend L. not sure how we got to talking about the accident but we did. tried to smile, behave normally.. tried to ignore the feeling of my throat tightening. jenessa..
sometimes i think of her smile. what would she look like today? fuck everything. all these old pictures in all these old frames. i wonder what she would be doing now. l calls, she says, "nothing can hurt jenessa now. she's fine and she's probably having the time of her life." she also said, "we'll meet up with her again." i didn't argue for the sake of not breaking into tears over the phone lines...but i don't believe it. i don't believe in this great big heaven. i think about all the things i'd love to say. all that fucking shit i forgot to say. i don't think i'll ever get to say it. i don't even know what it is anymore besides, "don't get in that car, please please fucking please don't get in that car.."
onward.
we're all grown up. yet when i look back you're just so small.
dear larisa,
on a side note, it's really not a good idea to guzzle 4 glasses of wine plus beer and then seduce your roommate in some small hallway outside of someone's apartment door in a warehouse loft building in chinatown.
i woke up in his bed arms and legs entangled, his hand holding mine. it was very sweet, actually. it's been a long time since i've been able to lay with someone and feel comfortable about it. the way his body fit with mine felt so natural, and i loved the fact that we were holding hands in our sleep. we don't have any connections..we used to make out at parties, but i've never lied beside him and snuggled like that before. i'm not sure what to think of it, i'll probably just let it go.
sometimes it feels so good just to be kissed.
goodnight.*
sometimes i think of her smile. what would she look like today? fuck everything. all these old pictures in all these old frames. i wonder what she would be doing now. l calls, she says, "nothing can hurt jenessa now. she's fine and she's probably having the time of her life." she also said, "we'll meet up with her again." i didn't argue for the sake of not breaking into tears over the phone lines...but i don't believe it. i don't believe in this great big heaven. i think about all the things i'd love to say. all that fucking shit i forgot to say. i don't think i'll ever get to say it. i don't even know what it is anymore besides, "don't get in that car, please please fucking please don't get in that car.."
onward.
we're all grown up. yet when i look back you're just so small.
dear larisa,
on a side note, it's really not a good idea to guzzle 4 glasses of wine plus beer and then seduce your roommate in some small hallway outside of someone's apartment door in a warehouse loft building in chinatown.
i woke up in his bed arms and legs entangled, his hand holding mine. it was very sweet, actually. it's been a long time since i've been able to lay with someone and feel comfortable about it. the way his body fit with mine felt so natural, and i loved the fact that we were holding hands in our sleep. we don't have any connections..we used to make out at parties, but i've never lied beside him and snuggled like that before. i'm not sure what to think of it, i'll probably just let it go.
sometimes it feels so good just to be kissed.
goodnight.*
posted by L | 10:12 PM
1 Comments:
Losing friends in accidents is a terrible thing and something I got to know all too well all too early...my small town that I grew up in had a freakisly large amount of young people die for various and sundry reasons...I don't believe in a "heaven" either - but I do believe in purpose and all we can hope for is that our departed friends served theirs while they were here and appreciate what they did in our lives...
As far as the rest of that goes...GOOD FOR YOU! A little drunken fun can be really really nice...boys do feel lovely curled up next to you in bed don't they? :-D
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