in a bar in tel aviv
ran into duncan last night at the spring equinox party. i had just finished crying, was standing in a flowing top with my hula hoop over my head when he appeared out of the side room. he was going to pretend to be different animals and i had just gotten the scare of my life.
background.
sage was giving a hypnotherapy workshop so i thought i might try it - seeing as i had never been hypotized before. a bunch of us sat on pillows with our back to the wall. i was between a and c, both girls, so i felt comfortable. the room was overcrowed and hot. we sat cross legged and sage guided us through a meditation where you went to your safe place, (always a problem for me since i can never think of a place i feel truely safe, so i picked a place i used to vacation with my family when i was little) and picture a gold cloud above you head. inside the gold cloud is bliss, and you picture it dripping onto your head and down your body, relaxing you. i was having trouble with this -- i didn't really feel relaxed but i was trying. then sage got to the part where she says, "your eyes feel very sticky and heavy." (our eyes had been closed this whole time.) she says, "i'm going to count down from 3, and when i get to 1, i want you to open your eyes." she did so ..."3 deeper and deeper ...2 deeper and deeper, 1....and suddenly...
my heart started racing like CRAZY. i could feel it beating out of my chest. i tried to open my eyes could not feel them or open them and i felt like i was OUTSIDE of my body. my head started reeling. for honest..i felt like i was on the tilt a whirl at the amusment park ride. i have NEVER felt this kind of feeling ever. for the record, i was not on ANY drugs, had not even drank anything, and had eaten not too long before. i felt like there was a person inside my body that was screaming, screaming to get out. i knew where i was, i knew how embarrassing it would be to freak out, so i kept breathing, trying to calm myself down out of this intense madness. i could hear sage saying, "now, you feel extremely relaxed, more than you ever had." i wondered if anyone else felt so horrible. finally i got myself to a point where i didn't feel like i was going to die anymore, but i knew that i was not hypotized. i just sat with my eyes closed waiting for it to end, and wondering what everyone else was doing outside of my closed eyes.
sage took the group down a stream, where you can stop if you want and hang out, but the stream goes on, and you must go with it. it winds and turns. i think it's supposed to be your life, since she told us at the beginning that the point of the hypnotism was to accept change. at the end of the stream and door that we stepped through. mine was red. then there was a bright light calling us. might was red, then blue, then red, then blue, then a marvelous purple that glistened. i thought i heard someone crying. the guy across from me...maybe he was laughing? when we reached the light she counted down from 7 and then we all opened our eyes. i looked at a, next to me. she smiled, and said, "that was so beautiful." she got up and wandered to the other room. i sat still, said aloud, "that was so scary.." and then i burst into tears. i couldn't stop. i couldn't breathe. why was everyone else so calm?
whenver i try to go to a safe place, jenessa is there. why? she always looks at me, and she looks just as she did when i last saw her. so beautiful.
imagined in the shower that i got in a fight with chris.
duncan came up to me and we hugged. he went a few stops on the train with me later, and smiled at me like no one has in awhile. "you energy astounds me," he says. "you have the most amazing charisma." he tells me about how to regain self esteem, and that i'm ok. got me water like he was my dad. we hula hooped in the train station and when we sat on the train with all the hoops i pretended that we were on an amusement park ride and he laughed with such glee that i wanted to hug him...and take him home..
work today was hellish. 9 hours on my feet making lattes for fucking assholes. my lower back hurt, i think i overstreched it. came home and wanted to cry. got to do this paper that i'm procrastinating on. i should just fucking write it tonight and get it done with. tomorrow i have to print pictures all day. i could honestly care less. j's bday is this friday. burlesque. i'm expected to pitch in for a shitty gift i could care less about when i have no cash.
take me all away...
L.
background.
sage was giving a hypnotherapy workshop so i thought i might try it - seeing as i had never been hypotized before. a bunch of us sat on pillows with our back to the wall. i was between a and c, both girls, so i felt comfortable. the room was overcrowed and hot. we sat cross legged and sage guided us through a meditation where you went to your safe place, (always a problem for me since i can never think of a place i feel truely safe, so i picked a place i used to vacation with my family when i was little) and picture a gold cloud above you head. inside the gold cloud is bliss, and you picture it dripping onto your head and down your body, relaxing you. i was having trouble with this -- i didn't really feel relaxed but i was trying. then sage got to the part where she says, "your eyes feel very sticky and heavy." (our eyes had been closed this whole time.) she says, "i'm going to count down from 3, and when i get to 1, i want you to open your eyes." she did so ..."3 deeper and deeper ...2 deeper and deeper, 1....and suddenly...
my heart started racing like CRAZY. i could feel it beating out of my chest. i tried to open my eyes could not feel them or open them and i felt like i was OUTSIDE of my body. my head started reeling. for honest..i felt like i was on the tilt a whirl at the amusment park ride. i have NEVER felt this kind of feeling ever. for the record, i was not on ANY drugs, had not even drank anything, and had eaten not too long before. i felt like there was a person inside my body that was screaming, screaming to get out. i knew where i was, i knew how embarrassing it would be to freak out, so i kept breathing, trying to calm myself down out of this intense madness. i could hear sage saying, "now, you feel extremely relaxed, more than you ever had." i wondered if anyone else felt so horrible. finally i got myself to a point where i didn't feel like i was going to die anymore, but i knew that i was not hypotized. i just sat with my eyes closed waiting for it to end, and wondering what everyone else was doing outside of my closed eyes.
sage took the group down a stream, where you can stop if you want and hang out, but the stream goes on, and you must go with it. it winds and turns. i think it's supposed to be your life, since she told us at the beginning that the point of the hypnotism was to accept change. at the end of the stream and door that we stepped through. mine was red. then there was a bright light calling us. might was red, then blue, then red, then blue, then a marvelous purple that glistened. i thought i heard someone crying. the guy across from me...maybe he was laughing? when we reached the light she counted down from 7 and then we all opened our eyes. i looked at a, next to me. she smiled, and said, "that was so beautiful." she got up and wandered to the other room. i sat still, said aloud, "that was so scary.." and then i burst into tears. i couldn't stop. i couldn't breathe. why was everyone else so calm?
whenver i try to go to a safe place, jenessa is there. why? she always looks at me, and she looks just as she did when i last saw her. so beautiful.
imagined in the shower that i got in a fight with chris.
duncan came up to me and we hugged. he went a few stops on the train with me later, and smiled at me like no one has in awhile. "you energy astounds me," he says. "you have the most amazing charisma." he tells me about how to regain self esteem, and that i'm ok. got me water like he was my dad. we hula hooped in the train station and when we sat on the train with all the hoops i pretended that we were on an amusement park ride and he laughed with such glee that i wanted to hug him...and take him home..
work today was hellish. 9 hours on my feet making lattes for fucking assholes. my lower back hurt, i think i overstreched it. came home and wanted to cry. got to do this paper that i'm procrastinating on. i should just fucking write it tonight and get it done with. tomorrow i have to print pictures all day. i could honestly care less. j's bday is this friday. burlesque. i'm expected to pitch in for a shitty gift i could care less about when i have no cash.
take me all away...
L.
posted by L | 7:29 PM
2 Comments:
I did a tarot card for you today - I hope you don't mind. If you'd like me to email you what it said, email me at darbi@vinylpimp.net.
boy do I suck - that should say "tarot card READING"
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