weight loss.

i notice that lately i've felt like hell about my body. i obsess over what food i eat, and how much i eat, and i think about stuff like anorexia alot - even though i definetly don't fit into that category. for one.. i have always been extremely small. i'm just a smaller person. the weird thing is... i know what the numbers say, but then why do i look so huge? i think i just don't carry it well. i notice that my stomach hangs out in the front, and that i've developed lovehandles, but my arms like really grossly skinny. i've never looked like a woman, i have zero boobs, no ass, icky arms, but then these love handles. and then i have zero hips, so the love handles just are there and then fade away to zero hips. it just makes the love handles that much more noticeable. i looked online about how to get rid of lovehandles and all of them talked about reducing body fat and cardio, but like...i really don't want to lose any weight, i think i might actually be getting up to a healthy weight, i just need to figure out a way to get my body to distribute it evenly. i wish i didn't feel so ugly.
i have no self confidence in my body. i never used to feel this way, i used to be really confident about everything.
why does stuff have to change? how do i get back to feeling good about my body, my sexuality and myself?
i think i need to die.