i'm envious of people who seem to know where they're going and what's going on. it never seems to be me. maybe it was at one time, but i think that was more of me being an ego maniac than anything realistic and true. sigh. whatever.

i fucking CLEANED my room hardcore yesterday. it looks amazing. now i just need to keep it up. i bought a fabric bin, so that takes care of all my fabric and my hooping costumes, which took up an amazing amount of the crap off the floor. that and i shoved all my mail into a huge envelope to be looked over later. paper and clothes tends to be the most of the mess all the time. i've got to cut my nails again. they get so long so quick.

r is visiting and it makes me feel weird to be honest. i feel like i need to be someone i'm not suddenly, and i don't really feel like talking to people.. i don't know what my deal is... i need to just chill out. what i really need to do is live my life for me, and not for everyone else. i just feel like i get co-dependant so easily, even if no one knows it but me. if anything it looks like i push people away, because i do...i don't want to be dependant on anyone so i push push push push...

i can't seem to find anything i want to listen to lately. what's that about?

time for breakfast perhaps.

today i'm going to pay some bills, go to therapy, pack, and show tonight.
we'll see how it goes.