what will you do when it all comes down

it's extremely hot out today. i can't even think straight.
tonight i have to perfrom in front of the children's museaum (spelling??). it's all well and good...i don't want to do it. i want out out out of this.




i don't think so.



my brain seems to have shut off and i have no one to talk to about it. my friend j called me last night and left this really crazy message. he was laughing uncrontrollably, but there was something desperate there. i haven't been talking to him much lately. he started to go downhill really fast, and started this angry band, but says it makes him happy (but i know he's lying) and doing coke and being stoned all the mother fucking time.

i can't deal with it anymore. i want to go someplace in my fucking life, but all my childhood friends are on fucking drugs, and come to think of it, all the friends i have now are as well, and all the ones who arn't i'm not really talking to because of some thing or another, and i really feel really fucking alone.

then i think who am i to fucking judge when i drink and sometimes have a few hits off a joint by myself in my bedroom, who the fuck am i to judge. it drives me mad and i can't get it out of my head and i get really scared that at any moment i could be headed right down a very blurry path and isn't this everybody who i fucking idolized growing up on this same fucking path and i've never had any fucking role models blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

i need to clean my room again. it lasts half a day and then gets completely TRASHED. much like my life i guess.

oh, mother.