so i'm sitting in my bedroom listening to circus music, thinking about my roommate living in prague, thinking about everything.
thinking about how my so called former best friend calls my ex fiance about two times a day. like, what is the obsession? she makes me so mad, because i don't think that she honestly likes him, she just happens to like everyone.. i don't know. i don't feel the same about anything and everything anymore.
she told him that she was thinking about calling me today, but then didn't..but i hope that she doesn't for a very long time. it's not that i hate her, or him even, i just see them both in a very different light now, my relationships with both of them have changed in my head, and i don't know how to get it back..or if i even want to.
perhaps these things happen for a reason. perhaps i'm supposed to keep getting stronger...and that's why i feel like i have to deal with absolute bullshit. to put it simply, i just feel betrayed.
i feel like every single trust issue i have just got brighter. but what's the point? everyone comes and goes. no one stays in anyone's life for very long. i guess it's just something that we have to learn to accept. i think about jaimes. i think about him in prague. i bet he's having the time of his life. i wish i were him. i wish i could be half as interesting, or brillant, or smart, or intriguing. i wish..
whatever.
i should look at what i do have, and not at what i don't.

jesus christ, larisa. why can't you just calm the fuck down? like any of this even matters anyways.

but it does, because all i want to do is leave.. cry and leave. i want to cry but i won't. sometimes everything is just so beautiful. i want to spend every waking moment in a place of beauty, but i can't stop looking at what's past and gone and get out of my own fucking way.

i think i want to be sick.

i cleaned alot today. tomorrow i make hoops, get my hair cut, and meet up with rich. i think i'm actually going to go to bed momentarily.

or not?

whatever.

someone give me a gun.