my therapist said that there was a study that showed that people who have chronic suicidal thoughts were more often than not found out to be not really wanted by their parents.
hot.
not.

so tonight i documented a show at avalon, a pretty big club in boston. i was conflicted...because while i should have felt so awesome and so cool...i just felt...awful. i hated getting in people's faces. i hated having that big fucking bright light on top of my camera. i hated so much of it. i hated having to get around security, everyone asking me what i was doing there, people putting their gross disgusting hands all over my gear...

i don't know.

i went to the bathroom and i started to think about club life. i was washing my hands surrounded by girls in tiny little outfits and tons of makeup. i was the only one there wearing all black..sneakers..no makeup...hairy armpits. granted, i was there to work, but i get disturbed somewhat by the club scene. and then i wonder why i'm just so not cool. why i'd rather be one on one with people...how i get such anxiety.... i need fucking confidence dammit.

this is so stupid.
i'm sick of fucking proving myself.
i'm sick of never feeling like anything that i do is good enough.
i want to fucking kill myself.

i don't want to live like this anymore.
i'm just so lonely.

i don't think i want to move to san francisco.
what the fuck am i going to do there?
and i'm moving with a, who sometimes i secretly can't stand.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARISA?

why do i never want to do anything?
i know that i'm not lazy.
but like .....
tonight z said, "this is something i would do for free anyways." but i wouldn't.
what the fuck would i do for free?
not much.
so maybe i'm just a horrible person.

oh yeah.

so my grandmother had a stroke.
nothing serious i guess. my mother mentioned it today on the phone practically in passing. oh yeah, did i tell you that nana had a stroke?
it's fine...she's gonna be fine.
but it brings up alot of issues.
like, time is going. people get old.
and they are going to die.
everybody is going to fucking die.


sometimes i just can't take it.