i ain't a child, i ain't full grown. but i'll prove to you.

hey self,
here's a little message to you.

things don't just change. they change with alot of fucking hard work. and you're not going to change unless you decide you want to. you can sit here and hem and haw and take drugs and drink and be depressed. larisa ann, the reason you have not stopped taking drugs is that you don't want to stop taking drugs. i don't know where you got the idea to even start, or why you were smoking cigarettes by yourself at age 12, i don't know. i don't know what made you curious to everything. i don't know where you find the glamour (and you know that you do) in this fucked up wannabe supermodel but you're not helllloo lifestyle. not that you even live it. anyways.
larisa.
i know it's scary. because without this lifestyle what would you have? you've never known anything but it. you've never known anything but depression and self abuse and abuse from those around you. do you even know what real caring is?
look, i don't want to berate you. i don't want to make you feel like shit. but i do want to know why you continue to do the things you do while adamantly claiming that you want to stop. well, here's what i have to say. i don't think you really want to stop. i think you're waiting for a savior of some sort. i think that you look at people like edie sedgwick or such and think, "hot." or paris hilton. but whatever, we're not going to blame this on society. you're a big girl and you can make your own decisions. people don't change unless they want to. no amount of handholding is going to make you stop abusing your body and mind.
none.
larisa.
you know. here you are always claiming you want someone. you want something. but do you really? because i don't think you're ready. are you really ready to fully give yourself to someone? all this shit with christy this week has really been fucking you up. on one hand you love it, you absolutely adore it. and who wouldn't, c'mon. fucking beautiful butch dyke with gauged ears and and an orange tattoo kissing your whole body and holding you in your sleep. hot. hot. hot. but here you are telling her that she's beautiful, why? what the fuck. who is this girl and why is she in your bed when she's just going to be gone tomorrow? start saving yourself and stop being so easy.
ok, i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
i don't mean to keep going off the deep end and harrassing you, plus saying some not so nice things in the meantime. and here you are always saying that you don't get give yourself enough credit.
anyways.
look.
all i'm saying is that you're worth it. and why you don't see that ceases to amaze me. why you keep trying to be something you're not also ceases to amaze me. why you care what other people think is silly. but hey.
larisa, look.
i just want you to be ok. happy even. i know that you think that growing up all fucked up has given you some sort of edge. and hey, maybe it has. i doubt you'd be this negative if you had had some picture perfect fucking childhood with a dad who was present and a mom who wasn't emotionally detached herself and no fucking boys assaulting you and telling you that you're the ugliest thing on the planet.
but who cares?
alot of people had it rough, suck it up (dyke) and grow the fuck up.
grow the fuck.
up.


your favorite,
larisa