they all are reasons to be.
*today is my dad's birthday!*
i'm drinking chocolate soy milk with whipped cream on top. a major hypocrisy i know, but SO good!!!!!!!! i would have more, but i just drank the last of it!!! no! perhaps i'll just eat chocolate?? no.... it's past midnight, i hate when i eat this late, but i want it so bad!
so what's new?
funny...
how when i half assed decided to leave boston all this cool stuff started happening. i don't know what to do. i know that i need to make a decision. moving to sf could be the best thing ever for me. one, the weather is milder. and i really think i have something like seasonal affective disorder...
this winter was one of the worst depressions i've been in in YEARS.
sure, there was that whole thing with falling in love with jaimes, but like ... could that really have caused so much.... self hatred, self doubt, more hatred, loathing, can't get out of bed, don't want to do anything i'm fucking bitch so fucking die whatever confusion hate myself bullshit?
i don't know...
maybe it is that it's my first year out of my BA and i've been having an existential crisis for some time now, and also the "am i an artist" crisis is in about it's third or fourth year.
boston will always be here. people say that and i guess i know that, but i don't. i want to hold on hold on. one, ... i really do love the arts collective i'm in. i'm learning alot, i get to do cool stuff like run fundraisers and get all expenses paid trips to balimore to perform in a festival, i get to feel like i am an artist in an artist collective. but is my collective a good enough reason to stay here? i know that even though at this moment i say that i feel good about the collective, but there are some days when i really don't feel like i fit in with them at all. they can be pretencious, as most artists tend to be (god..am i pretencious too? :( ) who knows anyways --- but like .... i don't know... it seems like we are getting some real attention lately, and i want to be part of that, part of this. if i take off running to sf (and why are you moving again, larisa) well then what?
the thing that scares me is that i don't have a real reason to move. my reasons to move are:
a.) milder climate. but sf isn't really ALL that warm.
b.) i kinda want to see if i can do it. can i hack it? can i break into an art scene on my own and not with jaimes' help?
c.) i can't really think of a reason to stay here.
d.) if i do stay here i fear i'll keep living vicariously through jaimes
or worse*
*e.) i'll keep hoping that one day/some day he'll like me back like that, even though it's COMPLETELY wrong
f.) i've always wanted to live in other places, and i'm certainly not getting any younger.
g.) this might be a silly reason, but i know that sf has a huge queer scene and i'm really looking to explore my queer side a little bit more. i mean geez...all i think about is having sex with women and transmen, perhaps the pool is bigger there....
reasons to not move.
a.) my arts collective/potential for some real attention in the art world, however not as just me but part of the collective (still means something, right?)
b.) my network. i mean...i grew up in boston. i know a bajillion people here. not to brag, but i really do. i have some real connections that i could use if i could just get off my ass and stop being depressed and stuck.
c.) do i dare say it .....jaimes.
d.) my family. i got really sad tonight thinking how i don't really know them. i mean....i know my mom, i think that we are starting to have a real relationship, but i still don't know my dad, or my aunt or grandmother, and me and my sister have this weird realationship where she thinks my life is weird and that i'm mean to her (?????) who knows. but like ... i keep thinking of moving away and then just keep going and then i never know my family and then suddenly they're gone...
e.) my friends. it's hard to find real friends, not just party buds. i know so many people here. i wonder if i'll fit in in sf, or if everyone parties. :( and i know that i need to stop partying because i'm hurting my body and getting really bad shakes and alcohol withdrawls and realized suddenly last week that i could actually for real and true have a bit of a substance abuse problem and i don't want to be like this forever. i don't know what i'm going to do about this yet. i feel sad and confused and pathetic that i think about drinking in the middle of the day sometimes, or that once i start drinking sometimes i seriously can't stop, unless i make a mental pact with myself at the beginning of the night that i'm only going to have x number of drinks and then i have to keep reminding myself all night (who has to think these thoughts??) i don't know. or the fact that usually when i'm not drinking i start smoking alot of pot again, or start drinking coffee for recreation (no, for real, it brings back my trips sometimes) or worse get into pills again or mushrooms or even worse start doing really lame things like crushing up pills and snorting them. sometimes i really don't know what's wrong with me, and why i even feel the urge to do any of these things, things that i look at myself even when i'm doing them and i say, larisa, why are you doing this, you are so lame, you are an adult why are you behaving like a kid??? i don't know why i hurt myself. lately it's even been an eating thing. like i'll eat and eat in the middle of the night and then hate myself and think of starving myself all the next day. i've done well with not carrying out on these thoughts but i don't know why i think them. i don't know.
so yeah.
went to markus' house tonight for a dress rehersal for a performance art piece we are doing at the "wake up the earth!" festival next weekend. i'm going to be a windmill. there are 3 wildmills, 3 fossil fuel shovelers, a master of solar power, a master of fossil fuel, the wind, and the sun. it should be interesting.
i might upload some of my hula hooping footage.
we'll see.
and i'm working on a website.
it's going to have my videos, paintings, photgraphy, hula hooping, and collaborations. it's going to take forever to finish since i've never made a website and it's hella time consuming.
but -
i think i'm going to go down to one day at the museum. so 2 days at harvard, one at the museum = 3 days of wage work, 2 days fulltime freelance to get some projects done. i don't know i'm rambling, lots of spelling mistake and grammar errors i'm sure. I keep forgetting to call people back. life has been so busy. taking sam-e for depression. it helps but i've been manic and haven't been able to sleep very well for a few days. plus, i have my period.
reading a good book called "a million little pieces" about a crack addict in rehab. it sounds like a downer but it's actually really inspirational.
i need to be kissed. like really kissed.
or made love to.
it's been a few years too long.
out.
i'm drinking chocolate soy milk with whipped cream on top. a major hypocrisy i know, but SO good!!!!!!!! i would have more, but i just drank the last of it!!! no! perhaps i'll just eat chocolate?? no.... it's past midnight, i hate when i eat this late, but i want it so bad!
so what's new?
funny...
how when i half assed decided to leave boston all this cool stuff started happening. i don't know what to do. i know that i need to make a decision. moving to sf could be the best thing ever for me. one, the weather is milder. and i really think i have something like seasonal affective disorder...
this winter was one of the worst depressions i've been in in YEARS.
sure, there was that whole thing with falling in love with jaimes, but like ... could that really have caused so much.... self hatred, self doubt, more hatred, loathing, can't get out of bed, don't want to do anything i'm fucking bitch so fucking die whatever confusion hate myself bullshit?
i don't know...
maybe it is that it's my first year out of my BA and i've been having an existential crisis for some time now, and also the "am i an artist" crisis is in about it's third or fourth year.
boston will always be here. people say that and i guess i know that, but i don't. i want to hold on hold on. one, ... i really do love the arts collective i'm in. i'm learning alot, i get to do cool stuff like run fundraisers and get all expenses paid trips to balimore to perform in a festival, i get to feel like i am an artist in an artist collective. but is my collective a good enough reason to stay here? i know that even though at this moment i say that i feel good about the collective, but there are some days when i really don't feel like i fit in with them at all. they can be pretencious, as most artists tend to be (god..am i pretencious too? :( ) who knows anyways --- but like .... i don't know... it seems like we are getting some real attention lately, and i want to be part of that, part of this. if i take off running to sf (and why are you moving again, larisa) well then what?
the thing that scares me is that i don't have a real reason to move. my reasons to move are:
a.) milder climate. but sf isn't really ALL that warm.
b.) i kinda want to see if i can do it. can i hack it? can i break into an art scene on my own and not with jaimes' help?
c.) i can't really think of a reason to stay here.
d.) if i do stay here i fear i'll keep living vicariously through jaimes
or worse*
*e.) i'll keep hoping that one day/some day he'll like me back like that, even though it's COMPLETELY wrong
f.) i've always wanted to live in other places, and i'm certainly not getting any younger.
g.) this might be a silly reason, but i know that sf has a huge queer scene and i'm really looking to explore my queer side a little bit more. i mean geez...all i think about is having sex with women and transmen, perhaps the pool is bigger there....
reasons to not move.
a.) my arts collective/potential for some real attention in the art world, however not as just me but part of the collective (still means something, right?)
b.) my network. i mean...i grew up in boston. i know a bajillion people here. not to brag, but i really do. i have some real connections that i could use if i could just get off my ass and stop being depressed and stuck.
c.) do i dare say it .....jaimes.
d.) my family. i got really sad tonight thinking how i don't really know them. i mean....i know my mom, i think that we are starting to have a real relationship, but i still don't know my dad, or my aunt or grandmother, and me and my sister have this weird realationship where she thinks my life is weird and that i'm mean to her (?????) who knows. but like ... i keep thinking of moving away and then just keep going and then i never know my family and then suddenly they're gone...
e.) my friends. it's hard to find real friends, not just party buds. i know so many people here. i wonder if i'll fit in in sf, or if everyone parties. :( and i know that i need to stop partying because i'm hurting my body and getting really bad shakes and alcohol withdrawls and realized suddenly last week that i could actually for real and true have a bit of a substance abuse problem and i don't want to be like this forever. i don't know what i'm going to do about this yet. i feel sad and confused and pathetic that i think about drinking in the middle of the day sometimes, or that once i start drinking sometimes i seriously can't stop, unless i make a mental pact with myself at the beginning of the night that i'm only going to have x number of drinks and then i have to keep reminding myself all night (who has to think these thoughts??) i don't know. or the fact that usually when i'm not drinking i start smoking alot of pot again, or start drinking coffee for recreation (no, for real, it brings back my trips sometimes) or worse get into pills again or mushrooms or even worse start doing really lame things like crushing up pills and snorting them. sometimes i really don't know what's wrong with me, and why i even feel the urge to do any of these things, things that i look at myself even when i'm doing them and i say, larisa, why are you doing this, you are so lame, you are an adult why are you behaving like a kid??? i don't know why i hurt myself. lately it's even been an eating thing. like i'll eat and eat in the middle of the night and then hate myself and think of starving myself all the next day. i've done well with not carrying out on these thoughts but i don't know why i think them. i don't know.
so yeah.
went to markus' house tonight for a dress rehersal for a performance art piece we are doing at the "wake up the earth!" festival next weekend. i'm going to be a windmill. there are 3 wildmills, 3 fossil fuel shovelers, a master of solar power, a master of fossil fuel, the wind, and the sun. it should be interesting.
i might upload some of my hula hooping footage.
we'll see.
and i'm working on a website.
it's going to have my videos, paintings, photgraphy, hula hooping, and collaborations. it's going to take forever to finish since i've never made a website and it's hella time consuming.
but -
i think i'm going to go down to one day at the museum. so 2 days at harvard, one at the museum = 3 days of wage work, 2 days fulltime freelance to get some projects done. i don't know i'm rambling, lots of spelling mistake and grammar errors i'm sure. I keep forgetting to call people back. life has been so busy. taking sam-e for depression. it helps but i've been manic and haven't been able to sleep very well for a few days. plus, i have my period.
reading a good book called "a million little pieces" about a crack addict in rehab. it sounds like a downer but it's actually really inspirational.
i need to be kissed. like really kissed.
or made love to.
it's been a few years too long.
out.
posted by L | 9:26 PM
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