i long to see you in the morning light.

i slept threw therapy AGAIN this morning. it makes me hate myself because there are things that i want to talk about ..but it's just so early in the morning, and each time i AM awake, but then somhow i fall asleep. this time when i fell asleep i had a dream that i was on the T, and i got off and started going the other way because i realized i was going the wrong way. but halfway between going the way that i thought was right, i realized the the original way was the right way so i had to get off again. i was waiting in a new place and they had a concession stand, and i was thinking about what to buy when i woke up to realize that i had missed my whole appointment. i called her up and left a message..she called me right back..we talked a bit. i think you need to pay full price for appointments you missed. nice. 100 bux for a half hour of oversleeping. fuck me, fuck everything.

went to mike's last night for a superbowl party. i drank orange soda. wrestled with an old friend (i love wrestling! it's like sex with clothes on! -kinda-) this guy ralphie who i kissed at a party about four years ago wanted to walk me to the train. so i said, sure, whatever. it was like midnight. he just got out of a relationship, which scares me - he's like rebound ralpie. so he walked me and we talked, he held open the door for me, all that sweet stuff. i suck it up really. i love that kind of shit. but i don't really see ralphie in that way - he's very clingy - and he kept mentioning his ex (i mean they DID just break up) but like, i'm just not interested in the call of the rebound. when i find someone, if i ever do, i want them to be whole. i wanted to be an addition to their life, not their entire half. and i want it to be that way for me too. plus - i am kinda sorta maybe planning a mass exodis from the country and no need to get close to someone else right now (or ever.) yeah.

i've got bob dylan in my head.

what else did i want to talk about. oh yes. the mass exodis. can i spell? probably not.
so. my therapist says that i'm unstable. hell, maybe i am. but - the thought of going to a brand new country and seeing the world fills me with glee. wonder. i WANT to live my life. when i think of staying here i just feel...stationary. stuck. and i going about things the wrong way? they always say that you will later regret the things that you never did as opposed to the things that you did do. so if i want to go overseas and teach english, travel, not know what's going to happen next - does this mean that i'll never grow up? am i not grown up? and i an adult in a kid's body? (even though i still sorta look like a kid) what is going on?

right now:
I don't want a boyfriend. i don't want a house. i don't want a year lease. i don't want a job. and yet - i'm not lazy. i'm not particularly depressed. i'm anxious, nervous about the future. but i love life. i love the sky, the clouds, the air, the ability to do things, the amazing things that people do, fire performance, breathing in fresh air, taking walks, good communication, friends, laughing really really hard, music, dancing, hula hooping, life, life life, singing while driving, dancing while waiting for the T, my walk to work, working around snowpiles, my boots, my hair, these blue pens, special smiles.

i feel alot better about life than i have in a long time. i've been trying to get down on the drug use. i still think about it. the drinking thing -- ehh -- i just gotta learn my limits.

why am i so wrong? why do my friends think i'm i'm crazy? when i think about all the insane possibilities of life ahead...i just feel marvelous. i feel like i'm no longer scared of death, if i die doing something i love. my mom doesn't want me to go across seas, she thinks it's dangerous. leaving your fucking house is dangerous.

i need to find a way to make some money. i have a girl on one of my other journals and she went to some party where she gave "sessions" to guys and had them jerk off on her feet, etc, she called them names etc, i don't know...she made like 500bux, but like..isn't that sort of prositution?? i just think that would freak me out. but, it's like...it's not something i haven't thought of. and then i think that i'm such a sick freak to even consider being a prostitute.

thank god no one i know knows about this journal. argh.

ok -- i am REALLY gonna clean this place. and do homework. and get some shit done.

x