one, two, three.

i've suddenly become filled with depression. today is my ex fiance's bday. i took a big step and called him. thank god his phone was off. i left a message. "hey ****, it's larisa. i know it's your birthday and i just wanted to say happy birthday. i hope you're well. take care." *click*
sigh.
hung out with joshua today. i went to home depot and got some hoop tubing. a new kind - i'll have to see if i like it.
this morning i woke up at 5am .. couldn't sleep. stayed up till 8am fretting, thinking, looking at websites. around 8:30 i broke down and took half a klono. i wanted to do it without it..but that's what it's there for, right?
i curled up in bed, my xmas lights still on from the night before. i just wanted to be held. i wanted someone to say, "larisa, it's ok. get off the computer and stop looking at those websites because i don't care. i love you and i don't care."
i thought alot about david and how bogus the whole situation is. (was?) how do i get so carried away? is that thunder in the sky i hear?
anyways..
yeah.
how he just crept in like that ... all talking about trust and making love. no way man. beware. boys who call sport fuck making love frighten me. do they have any idea what it really is to make love?
i've made love to two people in my entire life. possibly a third that one time, but i was semi delusional. so yeah. that leaves two people. the rest is whatever. how can you call something that is whatever something so strong? i just don't get some people.
but i don't talk to anyone about these things.
you don't make love to someone until you love them. and you, sir, don't even know me.
over it? perhaps.

i'm sweating. got to write more of these cover lettes and resumes, but it's just more fun to swing my poi around. got to tape a show tonight -- and boy do i not want to.
fuck.

i feel dizzy. should not have drank that coffee. dumb dumb dumb.

what the fuck am i doing?

larisa.
ann.