i hope my blog is never "of note."

a funny thing happened this week.





*

so i drove down to florida with k. it was an ok time. we left here and i kept my teeth clenched all the way to rhode island. i just couldn't relax. i'm so freaked out and i have no idea who i am anymore.

spent a day in DC.

stayed a night in south carolina.

went to a treehouse hostel.

but these are all just small details.


when we got to florida i felt anti climactic. i had driven all these miles, and then there i was. i wanted to make art but i felt clogged and burdened. i cried the first two days i was down there.
on the second day we went to rob's. i hadn't seen him in a year and a half. he's living with his girlfriend. she seems nice. i wanted to get a picture of them before i left.
so i'm with k - she's all up - she knows what she wants. she's positive. she just moved to a new place with a new life.
me?
i don't even feel like i have any friends any more because i spend all my time draped over j - who will never love me back and who i'll never have the guts to tell that i even like him.
anyways.
i go outside to get the camera from karen's car. the road is kinda cobblestony - reminds me of boston. it's just getting dark and there are palm trees everywhere. and i just started crying. alot. i'm making my way to the car and i'm like, fuck, fuck - just stop crying! you're on vacation for godsakes and you can't even calm the fuck down. i get to the car. wipe my eyes. get the camera. adjust my skirt. i head back to the house trying to look like i'm not on the verge of a nervous breakdown. and then it happened. right in the driveway of rob's house.
i decided to kill myself.
next week, i said, it will be great. i'll sell off all my possessions and i'll put the money toward my student loans so my parents won't get stuck with them. i'll use the rest of my tubing to make hula hoops for everyone i know. i'll use all my paints and make one huge picture. and then i'll be done. it can be in peace and it will all be over.
and then i got scared.
larisa, i said ... how will you do it? this kind of shit isn't painless. and you can't take your klonopins because that shit is abuse and you promised yourself that you would never abuse your klonopins because they were the only things that worked. and then i thought. i don't want this i don't this. i don't want to want to die, i don't want to want to die.
but i'm scared that i do.
lately i've become so apathetic. i don't want to work. i don't want to shower. i don't want to do a damn thing.
but anyways.
i went into rob's house. and smiled. took pictures.

*

i don't know.

my last night in florida i took two hits of acid and painted a picture of a mountain. the sky was red and the mountain is green and there are flowers all over the bottom from this one memory i have of being close with my dad. there's a blue stream. it's got gold in it. it's the worst painting ever. but also the best. it's true that i have no art training. and you can kinda tell.
in fact i feel like painting right now.




fuck.

so i took my hula hoops outside and we hula hooped for hours. there was egypt underneath my feet. all the temples and everything. and it was sort of nice to see the world melt before my eyes once more.
i sort of wish i felt like that all the time.


i not sure what i'm writing or what i'm even writing for.

i changed a lightbulb all by myself tonight on a really high ceiling. i had to wear 4 inch heels and stand on my camera case on top of kitchen table chair to reach it and it was scary as hell. i've got to get my shit together. put my shit away. get my resume done.

today/tomorrow (really) is my roommate's birthday.
i smell so vegan right now.
ugh.





i don't know.



i'm gonna put on some music.


whenever i feel good about myself i claim that i'm cocky.
but having no confidence is the worst thing in the world.

someone take me and make me feel better.



i just need love.

and i need to stop alienating everyone.


because i'm a bad friend i know.
but i'm just so obsessed with you, i know.
iknowiknowiknowiknow.




like it matters anyways.
sometimes i miss my grandfather. even though i barely knew him.

i'd like to write a bunch of people.
and move far away.
and write these love letters!
maybe i'll write one to someone that i don't even know.

yeah!
karen!
that's right.
i'm totally sending karen a cheesy love letter.
it's going to be so awesome.

i'll add glitter and i'll make it from a secret admirer, but i'll do it in a way that she'll totally know it's me. ah!

just clap your hands, say yeah.


mike's been back from germany for days yet i haven't seen him at all. heard he's been drunk. what else is new. i'm starting to feel very very restless.


i'm off for now.
L~
ann.