you're sick. i'm tired. let's dance.
i notice that i don't seem to care about much anymore.
my hair has gotten kind of ratty. i no longer dry it or style it. not that i ever really did ... but i feel like i used to care before if it looked a mess.
i sort of feel like mary kate olsen.
dressing in layers all the time.
fretting about my weight.
why do i hate my body so much?
i took a nap today. i woke up because the phone was ringing. it was my dad. he left a message and then i tried to get up ... but slept on and off for a bit ... and awoke and stared at the sky for awhile.
and thought about alot of things.
i thought about how i talked with mo on the phone last night and he asked me about my love life and i laughed and told him that i really didn't date and he got confused. he said he thought i was the kind of person to be always dating someone.
i thought it was amusing because i used to be that way.
and then it happened.
i remember vividly when i used to enjoy sex. i remember when i used to have real crushes and find guys attractive and want to sleep with them. i remember that sultry self confidence that i got complimented on all the time. i remember everything.
and in truth i do seem better now. (am i?)
i'm not good when dating someone. i think of them all the time and what they like and would they like what i'm doing and blah blah blah. and then i feel like shit about myself and i worry that if i do one thing wrong ...or that they don't aprove of ...they'll leave me.
i guess it's derived from all those years i dated those straight edge boys and i smoked cigarettes and took drugs and took shit from them all the time about it. among other things. i don't know ...
i don't seem to know anything anymore.
in the long run ... i really do think that things will be ok.
i really do.
it's just getting to that point ... waiting for this higher future...
or my dad on the phone tonight when i told him that i have an interview on friday to be a coat checker at the gardner museum and that it was temporary ... temporary ya know.. and he goes, "yeah, till you find a full time job." oh dear ...
i don't know if i'm ever looking for a full time job.
i'm sick.
you're tired.
let's dance.
i think we have fucking mice.
and i tell these people and then they fret and then go back to the tv.
right now, i hate it so much.
but i'm gonna go and buy laundry detergent.
love,
larisa ann.
my hair has gotten kind of ratty. i no longer dry it or style it. not that i ever really did ... but i feel like i used to care before if it looked a mess.
i sort of feel like mary kate olsen.
dressing in layers all the time.
fretting about my weight.
why do i hate my body so much?
i took a nap today. i woke up because the phone was ringing. it was my dad. he left a message and then i tried to get up ... but slept on and off for a bit ... and awoke and stared at the sky for awhile.
and thought about alot of things.
i thought about how i talked with mo on the phone last night and he asked me about my love life and i laughed and told him that i really didn't date and he got confused. he said he thought i was the kind of person to be always dating someone.
i thought it was amusing because i used to be that way.
and then it happened.
i remember vividly when i used to enjoy sex. i remember when i used to have real crushes and find guys attractive and want to sleep with them. i remember that sultry self confidence that i got complimented on all the time. i remember everything.
and in truth i do seem better now. (am i?)
i'm not good when dating someone. i think of them all the time and what they like and would they like what i'm doing and blah blah blah. and then i feel like shit about myself and i worry that if i do one thing wrong ...or that they don't aprove of ...they'll leave me.
i guess it's derived from all those years i dated those straight edge boys and i smoked cigarettes and took drugs and took shit from them all the time about it. among other things. i don't know ...
i don't seem to know anything anymore.
in the long run ... i really do think that things will be ok.
i really do.
it's just getting to that point ... waiting for this higher future...
or my dad on the phone tonight when i told him that i have an interview on friday to be a coat checker at the gardner museum and that it was temporary ... temporary ya know.. and he goes, "yeah, till you find a full time job." oh dear ...
i don't know if i'm ever looking for a full time job.
i'm sick.
you're tired.
let's dance.
i think we have fucking mice.
and i tell these people and then they fret and then go back to the tv.
right now, i hate it so much.
but i'm gonna go and buy laundry detergent.
love,
larisa ann.
posted by L | 5:50 PM
2 Comments:
Larisa - I have been plagued for years by trying to please other people(especially ones I'm dating). It's like I begin to meld my own identity with that of the relationship: if things are going well then I feel great, if they're not I feel awful. I hate it that someting outside of myself can have such power over me.
Reading your words is so much more heartening than doing my schoolwork.
I'm doing my master's of Education. It's ridiculous because I've never even had a teaching position. I just went straight into the Master's program after finishing my Bachelor of Education. Postponing the real world perhaps? Avoiding applying for a job so I don't have to face rejection? Who knows. But here I am. Living in my artificially constructed cocoon.
Just wanted to let you know that your words don't fall on deaf ears. You are so much more "real" than all of the superficial robots that make up our society. Keep on truckin' girl.
Hey girl - thanks for the birthday wishes! I am not posting much these days because I feel bored and boring and apathetic and a bit depressed. I still have no job. What the fuck is that? I HATED studying law but I persevered and now there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Big decisions (like moving away to find work) freak me right the fuck out.
On a lighter note, are you quoting Metric in this post? I love them.
Post a Comment
<< Home