i know it's a mistake but i'm....caught up in the rush..

woke up this morning in the need of a friend.
but there's really no one i'm feeling very close to right now.
the phone rang at 5am, but i didn't pick it up.
message this morning from taylor.
some nonesense about some guy at john's who wanted to fuck him in the ass and then punched him in the face and then tried to follow him home.
i think it's all lies personally.
i don't trust taylor at all.
which is sad.
i think he could be a good friend if friendship was what he was interested in.
but i don't think he is.
sadly,
i don't think anyone is.
myself included.
i hate myself today.
i forgot that when i was at my parents' house i found a box of zines that were rich's.
nice.
all his words laid out on a page before me.
reminding me of everything.
i need a real friend.
you know what.
i'm blowing this out of proportion.
j is a real friend to me.
but he's got all kinds of problems going on with his family right now.
and i don't feel right putting my problems on him.
oh j, wah wah, i know that you just found out that you probably won't be able to get your surgery, but geez, i'm really upset right now that i can't paint very well.
i'm pretty upset about some shit i can't talk about because it's so dumb, j.
i'm pretty upset that i'm like 110 pounds tops but hate my fucking body.

i'm so fucking lame i could die.

i want to curl into a ball and die.
i thought about going up on the roof in this lovely 27 degree weather and smoking a joint.
but that's fucking dumb so i won't.
maybe i'll just make some hot chocolate.
and then i'll call andy and go out for tea.
but before i leave the house i'm finishing this goddamn cover letter.

things will get better.
i promise.
L