stay all day ... if you want to.

there are some things that i need to work out.

tonight i called joshua on the phone and said, "I'm a big loser." i don't understand why it is taking me so long to put a demo reel together. why even taking the steps is such a ...... i don't know ... it's just really hard to get myself to sit and do it and now dwell on the past or mistakes made or whatever else.
joshua said that i should send it to the guy anyways, however late, just for practice, but that i should also sit down and think about some stuff ... think about what i'm doing, and what is holding me back. i just wanted him to come over and give me a big hug, but i know that he will sooner or later.
it's interesting, my situation with joshua. i do like him, but i don't feel so overly helpless around him. i don't stress about him. i don't get jealous. it's a bit freaky to think that i may be on the cusp of a actual healthy relationship. but i don't want to think about it anymore, because i don't want to overanalyze.

tonight i went on my mac and started trying to organize. i found a crapload of pictures of me and a doing hooping events. man... when i was so into hooping. i still love hooping, i do ... but .. it's not my whole life anymore ..
which leads me to think about something else i was thinking of earlier today.
about how i can't be two people at once.
it's always one obsession at a time.
i was a hooper.
now i've been doing video, so hooping has been pushed to the back.
i wonder what it will be in a couple of months.
in all honestly i do hope that it's video. it's what i went to school for. i'm told that i'm good at it .. it's a good medium.
it's just.
ok..
so i found this picture of me and a when we hooped at the summer revels.
her boyfriend took it and and we're smiling, standing by the water.
i looked at it and i wanted to cry.
because i'm such a bad friend, i am.
how did i get to the point where i didn't care.
i just feel like we have nothing in common anymore. what we had was hooping, and now ...
that's not really my thing anymore sooooo...
i don't know.
j came in and i was looking at my computer. he came and sat with me and i talked about it with him for awhile. he asked if the reason that i didn't feel as close to her was that she got too close. i was like, i don't know.. i mean... i don't know if i do that ...i haven't done that to any of you guys yet have i?? "no, not yet.." he said, giving me a worried look.
i hope i never do.
*sigh*
this is all bullshit.

in truth.
i do feel better right now.
perhaps it is because it's the end of the day. and i did my laundry.
and i even turned ON my mac .... big step from yesterday when i didn't.
baby steps larisa, baby steps.
i need to get some work.
that's another thing.
i have my 2 day a week job at harvard, and then the rest of my time was for the institute shoot, which is over now ... so it's like ..
i have this time to reflect and stress about how i need to make more money ... why is it so hard...
i feel so cursed to want to be in the arts ... it's just so dreadful...
everyone says that the first year out of school is the hardest.
i guess i'll just keep on living each day until i maybe decide to go to grad school and then that will be a totally different story.

perhaps i'll call p and chat with him for a bit.
and i need to wear my retainers to bed tonight.
my teeth are killing me.

it's 14 degrees in boston.
dear everyone,
i love you all. seriously. i know that i can seem like a totaly jerk at times...
no, erase that. i know that i think i'm a total jerk at time, but to you i seem withdrawn and distant. i know this. what am i trying to say? nevermind.
sometimes i think i just like to type to hear the sound of the keys.


and out.