entry of hate or the way i really am

sometimes i really wonder if we're friends at all.
since i don't really care about anything you say when you call on the phone.
and i get tired and bored.
and i don't ever really want to hang out.
and i wonder if i never saw you again, would it matter?
and then i wonder why i feel this way ... or think such awful thoughts.

because you never ever did anything wrong.
i guess i'm just a huge bitch.

and like .
you want to hang out tomorrow night.

but he's going to come and take pictures of j.
which gives me a huge fucking headache and heartache.
because if he is fucking taking pictures of j just because he's trans i'm going to fucking puke.

ok, truth.
i hate your fucking boyfriend.
i think he's rude. and inconsiderate. and immature.
and i don't want to hang out because whenever we do i have to hear about him.
but like, whatever ..
am i such a fucking bitch that i expect that from you.
because you certainly hear nothing but crap from me.

and what was it again that we had in common.

you know.
you are an awesome girl.
and sometimes i'd like to save you from me.
because i'm not a real friend.
and i feel awful that you consider me a friend.
because i'm not sure if i give a fuck about anyone, really.

all i ever do is get jealous.
and want nothing for anyone and it all for me.


and i think of all those things i want to do.
and honestly ...
i really just want to hole up in my bedroom and never talk to anyone again.
so i'll never have to think of anyone again.
and i'll never have to prove that i'm better than anyone.
or that i'm more creative.
or that i have to make art for other people because what does it fucking matter.
i'm the most uncreative person alive.
and the most hateful.

i know i seem nice.
and maybe i am.
but i'm not.

like my life horoscope says.
i bring out the worst in everyone.
and it's going to always be this way.


i hate everyone because i secretly hate myself.
oh, but is that so secret, larisa?
is that so fucking secret?

i realized i don't mind my body when there's nothing on it.
it's once these clothes appear that i want to fucking die.
in fact.
right now i want to cry.

but instead i'm going to go to an AA meeting and watch joshua pick up his one year medal.

and perhaps i'll cry then.
but we'll see.





larisa.