be the change you want to see in the world.

be the change you want to see in the world.


i wonder if i'll always have this constant anxiety.
this feeling that nothing i do is ever going to be good enough.
that just being me is good enough.
i feel so worthless and lame.
i hate my job at the museum. but it pays ok.
i don't know where else to get a job.
how do people even look for jobs?
i like my harvard job, but lately i'm becoming exhausted. i sort of wish i just had one job. one job that i liked and that i could go to and that would be that.
i am getting so so tired.
and it's not helping my depression at all.
i'm thinking of san francisco.
but yeah...what the fuck is going to change in my life in san francicso?
do i even really want to go there?
my mom says that so many people have jobs that they hate. and they just deal with it i guess...
why can't i just deal with it?
why am i such a whiny brat?


i miss mike and jenessa tonight. for some reason i was thinking of britney spears and how her first song came out at the end of 1998. hit me baby one more time. and i think about how jenessa probably would have liked that song. but she has no idea who britney spears is, because she died about a month before that song came out. it's so weird to think about. and then that whole britnery vs christina aguilera thing. so dumb, but like.. i know about it. and jenessa doesn't. and sometimes i wish that jenessa and i could switch places. because i'd like to see what she would do with her life/my life and i'd like a quiet place to rest my head for the rest of time.
i think about how if i were jenessa, i wouldn't be feeling all the things i do now. the low self esteem. the self hatred. the feelings that i have no talent. the feeling of no drive.
i was thinking tonight about that interview i had at massart. and how i really wanted that job.
and how i didn't get it.
and then j goes for the first interview for the job he really wants.
and he gets it.
and he loves it.
and here i sit.
jealous.
why do i always have to be jealous of him? jealous of everyone.
i'm a bad friend, i am.
because there he is, always supportive of me.
and there's me.
jealous of him.
sometimes.
i just want to get so far away from myself.
because i hate who i am.
i hate who i am.


i think i may go back to bed.
i can't stand feeling this way all the time.