my mom informed me on the phone today that the reason that i have no relationship with my father is that she purposfully isolated him from mine and my sister's life when we were growing up. she said that she was really mad at him, that she didn't actually like him at all, and had been planning on leaving him when we were kids, but had no money, no skills, and nowhere to go - so she stayed. but since she was mad she didn't want him around. so she excluded him from all family activities. she told me that she had basically "gotten what she wanted from him" (getting out of her parent's house and sperm, i guess.) i was calm on the phone but at the same time silently sobbing. i feel so naive. i mean .. growing up it's like my dad was there, but not really there.. and when my mom was in the hospital she told me that my parent's marriage was a "convenience marriage," but i feel so stupid. like, growing up i never knew these things. funny the things that come out when you're 25 and your parents become people.
so i guess i'm supposed to now try to form a relationship with my dad. how am i supposed to do that? how do you talk to someone that you have no past with? what do you talk about?
i have this cousin in colorada, and i guess he married this woman with no legs or torso who's always on tv for being an extraordinary person. i was thinking of getting in touch with them. i mean, why not? he is my blood relative and it would be cool to have blood in colorado, and have a famous cousin who knows i exist.
time is so fleeting.
i think i'm going to take a yoga class.
i'm glad i've stopped crying. there's nothing worse than crying under the sink in the bathroom.
j is going for his chest consultation tomorrow.
i hope it goes well. i really do love him even though he breaks my heart.
into a million tiny pieces.

one day.
things are gonna be so great.



i just know it.