i bought this book about eating healthy and nouishing your body and soul.
i actually hate food, but i was thinking this book might help. i eat like absolute shit. karen's always telling me that what you eat makes you feel better. and the flaxseed oil does help. food just takes so much time. but i need to learn to start loving myself.
i need to learn to love myself.
even though lately i wake up in the morning and wish i was being held. i want someone to love me so deeply, someone that i can love back, and not be scared. i want to love someone that knows that when i fall in love i'd do anything for them, but cares about me enough not to take advantage of that fact.
i want someone that i can tell anything to. and not be worried that they're going to abandon me.
i want someone who will take it slow with me, who'll pick me up when i'm down, who'll help me explore myself again and go through my feelings about everything.
i want someone who'll talk to me in the middle of the night. or whenever. about anything. someone who likes it that i like talking while kissing, talking while fucking, talking while making love, god, i'm just a talker. i like communication, i like hearing the voice of someone i'm being intimate with.
i just went to use the bathroom and dry my hair and my whole apartment smells like coconut and marijuana.
j quit smoking yesterday. he also got news back that he didn't get that residency - the one that we were supposed to apply for together. i feel awful ... but i guess i'm relieved? oh, larisa, you are awful awful awful.
why can't i be happy for someone else?

i've been doubting san francisco. is moving across the country really the answer? what is the answer?

out.
for now.

larisa