dear alex,
woke up this morning and decided to look in the box i had of all the stuff i'd saved from LA. burning man fliers, the polaroids you sent me, and a bunch of polaroids we took when we went to get ice cream a couple of days before i left. i made me feel kinda wierd, seeing your face, knowing what i know now, that less than a year later we wouldn't even be friends anymore. it's just weird. makes you wonder sometimes the purpose of everything and anything and how long the people around you are supposed to be in your life and what cicumstances it will be when they are suddenly not.

dear j,
i've been thinking alot about that night we kissed. i wish i could say that i was thinking that it's better this way, but that's not what i'm thinking of. no. i'm thinking of the way it felt, the way your lips felt between mine. how i kissed your bottom lip and then your top lip and then the tips of our tongues brushed together and how you moaned, which made me moan. or maybe that time we moaned together. the time you moaned that made me moan was when we were outside against the fence and i took your wrist and put it over your head. i remember you leaning in toward me, wanting it, you wanted it, leaning in for more, grabbing and ripping at my hair, whispering my name over and over. you say you're scared, well i was scared too. and i guess i still am scared. scared that i still want you, scared that when you take off your glasses and look at me like that that i might just know a little piece of you. scared that such a small incident ruined so much. scared that i'll never be able to fully give myself to anyone because of incidents like this. scared to live fully by my heart because it just hurts so much.
i really did picture a beautiful relationship with you. which is dumb, because you are selfish, and could never give half of what i give to you back to me. and i want someone who can give as well as receive. j, why did i have to like you? you, with your fucked up mind, and me me me attitude.
pretencious fuck.

dear a,
i'm scared to move to sf with you. i wonder what it is that i'm doing, and if we'll hate each other if we end up moving in together. i wonder if you'll miss z all the time and i'll get annoyed and then we'll find different friends groups, or you'll always be in school and i'll always be out partying and then we'll just hate each other.

oh, whatever.

i'm gonna go eat something before work.