i'm trying to come to terms with the fact that i might actually be bipolar. i've been diagnosed over the years, and have always written it off as mumbo jumbo...but now i don't know.
i can't explain why i get depressive storms in my head...cycling storms..when everything in my life is really good. my depression isn't circumstancial. i know that my life is good. i know that i'm an interesting person. so why when i least expect it do i want to die? why do i formulate suicide plans in my head? why do i feel calm when i do this? my friends are petrified for me. i guess i would be too...if i cared.
lately i just think about offing myself and think about doing hard drugs. but i'm not crying about it. i feel extemly hollow about it in a way. i feel sort of happy about it sometimes. like....relieved. this isn't good. these aren't good feelings, they tell me. the fact that i am calm about my suicide is not a good thing they tell me.
i know that i won't do it now. but i can't promise that in the future i won't do it.
i don't mean to scare the shit out of my friends. i just don't know anymore.
when i think about living years and years with these storms i just get ...so tired.
they want to put me on lithium. depakote. ew.
i bought a book on amazon about it. bipolar II it looks like.
homeopathic remedies.
i broke up with my therapist.
she's crazy anyways.
i'm gonna use that money toward a yoga class. i think it will be good for me.
i'm gonna beat this in my own way.
i just wish it didn't take over my life.
i've got a crazy stalker.
i wish i could just fuck her and leave her.


out.