j's got a date tomorrow i just found out. i know that i shouldn't care as i might have one next week.
but still.
it pangs in a place deep inside.
unrequitted love.....
though i'm not even sure if that's what it is..
i don't even know if i love him like that anymore.
but sometimes i wish he was kissing me.
and making love to me.
and holding me.
and that i could smell him.
no no no no no no no no no no.
i don't know what i'm doing i don't know what i want.
i wish i was pretty.
i wish i was cute.
i wish i was alot of things.
"you sure do have alot of wishes, larisa."
that man said in the LA loft apartment.
what was his name?
carmen?
oh well....
it doesn't matter.
let him have her.
let them be together.
i know it's wrong.
i know it doesn't matter.
even though they'll probably make out.
so i made sure to tell him that i slept with christy when she was down.
and he really didn't know...
and asked why i didn't tell him..
doesn't matter anyways, she never writes me back.
it's like how it always is.
i need a change.
i need a lover.
i need love.
i need a friend.
who i can call and they'll just hold me.
but alas, it's late.
and i'm off to bed.


larisa.