i've been listening to alot of basement jaxx and peaches.
here is what i've been up to lately.
i've kinda sorta got a girlfriend. i really don't know how i feel about the whole situation. she is incredibly nice to me, but she wants a lot more from me than i can give. we talked about this, and she said that she didn't have any expectations of me...but i don't know if i believe her. she also doesn't seem to have any friends, which really bothers me. i mean....she's been in boston for 3 years, what is the problem? and it's not like she's not nice or intelligent, or any of that.... whatever. she puts some demands on me it seems sometimes....like, she'll get kinda pissy if i don't want to stay at her house, even though that means sleeping in the same bed that she still shares with her ex girlfriend (who also has my name wtf???) when she's not in town and it just makes me feel really gross .....and like...how i used to feel years ago when i was sleeping with people that i really should not have been with. anyways. she also is really into being a top....and since i'm a top it's a problem, especially since when she tries to get me to be a bottom i start to cry and have rape flashbacks. also, she is REALLY into trying to get me off during sex, and it becomes so much pressure that i can't really seem to get there and then she wants to know why, and i think it really bothers her because i can get her off really easily...it's just harder for me. orgasm isn't even the point of sex for me, and honestly i'm not quite used to it because i am used to playing the role of the one who gets everyone else off. i don't know. i guess it's good that i'm writing it out because it's helping me realize that i should probably break up with her. i am reluctant, because i do like spending time with her, and i do like sleeping beside her, but i'm not getting something that i want from this relationship, and that's a problem.
i've been trying to quit drinking. it's been going really well. i have not been drunk in a few weeks. or smoked pot. or done other drugs besides a little bit of caffeine and a whole lot of chocolate. (i can't seem to quit the chocolate...) i feel that my moods have really been better since i stopped. this is hard for me to accept because i really do enjoy drinking and taking drugs. however, how i feel after i take them, and the way they make my moods go nuts (or at least it seems from this little experiment) i think that i really need to stop or at least be EXTREMELY low and moderate in my behavior if i want my life to change. i know that i need my life to change, it's just hard when i don't know exactly what i want yet. and most of my friends are still into partying and stuff, and it doesn't affect them as bad....they don't go spiraling, they don't want more and more like i do. i am happy for myself that i can realize problems when they arise and that i know how to fix them. kinda..uh. yeah. i don't know. i can't make a promise to myself that i will never use drugs again, or even let my drinking get out of control....gah..i wish i could say that but i'm trying to be honest..... but i do think that i am doing better. and if not drinking means that i will not get these horrible suicidal depressive episodes in the winter than so be it. right?
aaaaanyways, so i've bought some books on bipolar II, otherwise known as soft bipolar, which i am not totally sure if i have yet, but it seems like i might. i am not sure how i feel about taking medications yet. i really would like to do this without them, and i am just trying to live day by day. i am taking part in a research study at mclean hospital (which is a big name mental health clinic here on the east coast of usa - think "girl interrupted.") i spent a week there in 2002, which is ironic. anyhow, they are doing a research study using omega 3 fish oil pills, which totally blows my vegetarian diet out of the water, but sounds much better than taking lithium or some other foul weight gaining, speech slurring drug. biploar II means that you get depressive episodes with times of non depression or hypomania in between. hypomania is not classic mania that you think of when you think of manic depressive illness. it usually means that you are more productive, more talkative, and more excited, but not out of control. hmmmmmm.... it makes me really sad to think that i might have it, because it means that i really am mentally ill, and that i'll have this for the rest of my life and alot of my life will be dedicated to learning how to control it, and keeping it in check. :( i guess part of me always knew that i wasn't all that normal, and that other people didn't get as sad as me, and that something was not right. cutting myself and fucking up and writing suicide notes all seemed so natural in my teens, i guess it never occurred to me that there were people out there who really didn't think about doing these things. so now i feel stupid. and still kinda in denial even though i am writing these words.
i started taking tai chi. i think it will be good for me....even though i liked this other instuctor better and he turned out to be just a temporary instuctor. boo!
i sat home and watched gia tonight. then i researched her on the internet. very sad story.
i have been spending alot of time alone. alot of friday nights curled up my bed reading. i sort of like it this way, because i'm scared if i go out i will just get sloshed. a few weeks ago, the weekend prior to halloween...the last time a drank seriously really...i got really upset about j kising this other guy ( i know, can you believe i still kinda have a thing for j sometimes...shoot me...) and drank a pint of whiskey. being 5'4, 105, this was DUMB. i ending up doing some very rock star but embarrasing things, ending with falling off a fence into a tree, and running down the street bleeing while dressed up as courtney love. (ugh) i have a bad scar on my leg, and a worse one on the back of the ring finger of my left hand, and i like to look at the scar on my hand when i think about drinking, and think about how much better i am doing for myself drinking tea in my kitchen in my pjs on a friday evening, even though i don't feel as cool. i feel kinda old actually. it sucks when what i want to do, and what my body is telling me what i need conflict with each other.
what else..
j went to baltimore to check out some school, but then called to tell me he hated it. i'm sort of bumming, i think it will be good for me when he moves.
i have been really horny lately. sometimes for the girl i'm seeing, sometimes not. i have an obsession with this girl rik...and it's driving me crazy. she's sort of out of my league, like i don't think i'm hip enough. and she is young young young. 21! i can't get her out of my head and it's so awful.
also, i am still ( i know i know, get over it) trying to come to terms with my bisexuality. it's really hard! i just wish i was one way or the other. i feel like being bisexual is such ....not a respected place to be. i can't ignore to myself that i like girls any longer. but it's hard, because even though i don't feel sexually attracted to boys, i do sometimes feel emotionally attracted to them. but i don't know if i feel that way because that's how i was raised to feel. or if i'm not sexually attracted to them because i am a rape survivor. sometimes i find it hard to emotionally connect with girls over a long period of time, but i looooooooooooove sleeping with them. maybe i just haven't found the right girl. i can't even think of sex with guys anymore. i guess i just wish i liked them. i wish i was straight and that was it. or a holla no way back lesbian. but i don't think i am. i think i'm bisexual. for real. fuck.
the cat is driving me crazy, she is soooo needy.
i started seeing a new counselor. one hour a week is barely enough. and i'm not even sure she can really help me. i really need a counselor that will ask me questions. i don't respond so well to just talking. i end up talking about fucking nothing. but i don't know how to make this work. i mean ... this is free counseling....what am i supposed to do?
i think i might be done writing for now.
peace and love,
larisa.
i've kinda sorta got a girlfriend. i really don't know how i feel about the whole situation. she is incredibly nice to me, but she wants a lot more from me than i can give. we talked about this, and she said that she didn't have any expectations of me...but i don't know if i believe her. she also doesn't seem to have any friends, which really bothers me. i mean....she's been in boston for 3 years, what is the problem? and it's not like she's not nice or intelligent, or any of that.... whatever. she puts some demands on me it seems sometimes....like, she'll get kinda pissy if i don't want to stay at her house, even though that means sleeping in the same bed that she still shares with her ex girlfriend (who also has my name wtf???) when she's not in town and it just makes me feel really gross .....and like...how i used to feel years ago when i was sleeping with people that i really should not have been with. anyways. she also is really into being a top....and since i'm a top it's a problem, especially since when she tries to get me to be a bottom i start to cry and have rape flashbacks. also, she is REALLY into trying to get me off during sex, and it becomes so much pressure that i can't really seem to get there and then she wants to know why, and i think it really bothers her because i can get her off really easily...it's just harder for me. orgasm isn't even the point of sex for me, and honestly i'm not quite used to it because i am used to playing the role of the one who gets everyone else off. i don't know. i guess it's good that i'm writing it out because it's helping me realize that i should probably break up with her. i am reluctant, because i do like spending time with her, and i do like sleeping beside her, but i'm not getting something that i want from this relationship, and that's a problem.
i've been trying to quit drinking. it's been going really well. i have not been drunk in a few weeks. or smoked pot. or done other drugs besides a little bit of caffeine and a whole lot of chocolate. (i can't seem to quit the chocolate...) i feel that my moods have really been better since i stopped. this is hard for me to accept because i really do enjoy drinking and taking drugs. however, how i feel after i take them, and the way they make my moods go nuts (or at least it seems from this little experiment) i think that i really need to stop or at least be EXTREMELY low and moderate in my behavior if i want my life to change. i know that i need my life to change, it's just hard when i don't know exactly what i want yet. and most of my friends are still into partying and stuff, and it doesn't affect them as bad....they don't go spiraling, they don't want more and more like i do. i am happy for myself that i can realize problems when they arise and that i know how to fix them. kinda..uh. yeah. i don't know. i can't make a promise to myself that i will never use drugs again, or even let my drinking get out of control....gah..i wish i could say that but i'm trying to be honest..... but i do think that i am doing better. and if not drinking means that i will not get these horrible suicidal depressive episodes in the winter than so be it. right?
aaaaanyways, so i've bought some books on bipolar II, otherwise known as soft bipolar, which i am not totally sure if i have yet, but it seems like i might. i am not sure how i feel about taking medications yet. i really would like to do this without them, and i am just trying to live day by day. i am taking part in a research study at mclean hospital (which is a big name mental health clinic here on the east coast of usa - think "girl interrupted.") i spent a week there in 2002, which is ironic. anyhow, they are doing a research study using omega 3 fish oil pills, which totally blows my vegetarian diet out of the water, but sounds much better than taking lithium or some other foul weight gaining, speech slurring drug. biploar II means that you get depressive episodes with times of non depression or hypomania in between. hypomania is not classic mania that you think of when you think of manic depressive illness. it usually means that you are more productive, more talkative, and more excited, but not out of control. hmmmmmm.... it makes me really sad to think that i might have it, because it means that i really am mentally ill, and that i'll have this for the rest of my life and alot of my life will be dedicated to learning how to control it, and keeping it in check. :( i guess part of me always knew that i wasn't all that normal, and that other people didn't get as sad as me, and that something was not right. cutting myself and fucking up and writing suicide notes all seemed so natural in my teens, i guess it never occurred to me that there were people out there who really didn't think about doing these things. so now i feel stupid. and still kinda in denial even though i am writing these words.
i started taking tai chi. i think it will be good for me....even though i liked this other instuctor better and he turned out to be just a temporary instuctor. boo!
i sat home and watched gia tonight. then i researched her on the internet. very sad story.
i have been spending alot of time alone. alot of friday nights curled up my bed reading. i sort of like it this way, because i'm scared if i go out i will just get sloshed. a few weeks ago, the weekend prior to halloween...the last time a drank seriously really...i got really upset about j kising this other guy ( i know, can you believe i still kinda have a thing for j sometimes...shoot me...) and drank a pint of whiskey. being 5'4, 105, this was DUMB. i ending up doing some very rock star but embarrasing things, ending with falling off a fence into a tree, and running down the street bleeing while dressed up as courtney love. (ugh) i have a bad scar on my leg, and a worse one on the back of the ring finger of my left hand, and i like to look at the scar on my hand when i think about drinking, and think about how much better i am doing for myself drinking tea in my kitchen in my pjs on a friday evening, even though i don't feel as cool. i feel kinda old actually. it sucks when what i want to do, and what my body is telling me what i need conflict with each other.
what else..
j went to baltimore to check out some school, but then called to tell me he hated it. i'm sort of bumming, i think it will be good for me when he moves.
i have been really horny lately. sometimes for the girl i'm seeing, sometimes not. i have an obsession with this girl rik...and it's driving me crazy. she's sort of out of my league, like i don't think i'm hip enough. and she is young young young. 21! i can't get her out of my head and it's so awful.
also, i am still ( i know i know, get over it) trying to come to terms with my bisexuality. it's really hard! i just wish i was one way or the other. i feel like being bisexual is such ....not a respected place to be. i can't ignore to myself that i like girls any longer. but it's hard, because even though i don't feel sexually attracted to boys, i do sometimes feel emotionally attracted to them. but i don't know if i feel that way because that's how i was raised to feel. or if i'm not sexually attracted to them because i am a rape survivor. sometimes i find it hard to emotionally connect with girls over a long period of time, but i looooooooooooove sleeping with them. maybe i just haven't found the right girl. i can't even think of sex with guys anymore. i guess i just wish i liked them. i wish i was straight and that was it. or a holla no way back lesbian. but i don't think i am. i think i'm bisexual. for real. fuck.
the cat is driving me crazy, she is soooo needy.
i started seeing a new counselor. one hour a week is barely enough. and i'm not even sure she can really help me. i really need a counselor that will ask me questions. i don't respond so well to just talking. i end up talking about fucking nothing. but i don't know how to make this work. i mean ... this is free counseling....what am i supposed to do?
i think i might be done writing for now.
peace and love,
larisa.
posted by L | 9:45 PM
2 Comments:
Larisa,
Thank you so much for your words. It's such a delight to hear how you're doing lately.
I can totally relate to your struggle to ease off of the substances. When I found myself organizing my choices around smoking pot, I didn't change anything. I knew on some level that it wasn't healthy. It was only when crippling took over my life that I made myself make changes. I remember a counsellor asking me if I wanted to never ever smoke pot again and I truly couldn't say yes for all the reasons that you talk about. So I just decided that I wanted a different balance of it in my life. I'm still a work in progress, but that approach seemed to help me get throug the transitional times.
Human sexuality is a wonky thing eh? I've come to think that we're all situated somewhere on a continuum. Even people who identify as "straight" are somewhere on the spectrum. It's hard though when one's brain wants the complexity of it all to be as simple as two columns 'straight' or 'gay'.
Take care of yourself and keep navigating your way though this bizarro thing called life. From this girl's perspective, you're doing a phenomenal job of it.
XOXOXXOXO Erin
heh heh - the word "anxiety" some how didn't make it into my fourth sentence of the second paragraph. Subconscious denial of one of my more shameful traits!? Who knows?
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