i'm trying to figure out why it's so hard to sit with difficult feelings.

up at my center, i'm about to start a new group. it's 6 months long and is called the women's trauma group.

the point of the group is to pick a goal that you want to work on, and then spend the next 6 months revealing your past to the group to figure out how to meet that goal. my therapist suggested that i work with intimacy and i immediately rejected...it just seemed too big. but now i realize that it's pretty much the problem. so the last couple of weeks in therapy have been really brutal as i'm coming forth with all these things...that i fear i might really be a horrible person, that i feel the need for control when strong emotions come up...i don't know...whatever.

anyways.

i've been seeing this girl and i keep trying to end things but failing. i need to do it tomorrow because i am feeling nothing. i talked to her on the phone tonight for a half hour and it was BORRRRING and then right after i called this girl i have a crush on and suddenly i was excited to be alive. hm. relationships are hard! i don't know how i'll ever do it.

i've been painting tonight. i have a show going up in may at a gallery in a cafe. paintings and photgraphs, i'm thinking, so i have to get cracking.

i feel ok.