remember me?
dear jenessa,
so you seem to be coming up a lot in my thoughts lately, and I am wondering why. I can't remember when it started....was it Mike's birthday on the 31st?? but there you are again. at first I was scared. it was the middle of the night and i had to pee. i got up and went into the hallway and i was terrified i was going to find you somewhere..that your body was going to be mutilated in my tub, or that you'd be in the chair in the hallway... so i peed and went back to my bedroom, but i was confused. why was i thinking these thoughts? so after that i found a picture of you, up on my shelf, behind other pictures. it was the picture your mom made because you never had a real senior picture, the one where they digitally removed your braces, and you look the same, but different. and young! my god, you look so young. so i moved it slightly, so your face would be looking into my room...maybe you were mad or something...
in therapy last week i said to my dr that at some point i was going to have to talk about you, was going to have to talk about the accident, and how i wasn't sure how i was ever going to do it. the ten year anniversary of your death is coming up this summer and i still don't think i've even cracked the surface of this grief. i called my mom tonight and said, "jenessa keeps coming up, what's going on?" and she started crying and said that she talks to you all the time and that today was the day that my dad decided to take her old car off the road, the one that we drove up to north conway in in the last weeks you were alive. she said that she always talks to you because you always sat in a certain place in the car and that when she found out that my dad had bought her a new car and couldn't stop crying and she asked you if you would come with her to the new car and that you said yes. and it got me thinking that i never really talk to you anymore. my mom says that she hears your voice all the time, but i don't...i don't even know if i can really remember it anymore.....sometimes when i listen really hard.
so you're there for my mom and my mom is there for you, but i'm not there for you. will i ever be able to deal, or will i just shut you out forever?
when i was on the phone with my mom i was crying and i just broke down right now. and it bugs me because i wonder if we would even talk right now. 10 years later....you about to turn 26 and me 28, would we even be close, would you and my sister be close, what would life be like? what would my life be like if i haden't had it shattered at 18?
anyways, i haven't cried that hard in a very long time, so maybe it's good for me. i'm going to go now and try to get some sleep.
love you,
larisa
so you seem to be coming up a lot in my thoughts lately, and I am wondering why. I can't remember when it started....was it Mike's birthday on the 31st?? but there you are again. at first I was scared. it was the middle of the night and i had to pee. i got up and went into the hallway and i was terrified i was going to find you somewhere..that your body was going to be mutilated in my tub, or that you'd be in the chair in the hallway... so i peed and went back to my bedroom, but i was confused. why was i thinking these thoughts? so after that i found a picture of you, up on my shelf, behind other pictures. it was the picture your mom made because you never had a real senior picture, the one where they digitally removed your braces, and you look the same, but different. and young! my god, you look so young. so i moved it slightly, so your face would be looking into my room...maybe you were mad or something...
in therapy last week i said to my dr that at some point i was going to have to talk about you, was going to have to talk about the accident, and how i wasn't sure how i was ever going to do it. the ten year anniversary of your death is coming up this summer and i still don't think i've even cracked the surface of this grief. i called my mom tonight and said, "jenessa keeps coming up, what's going on?" and she started crying and said that she talks to you all the time and that today was the day that my dad decided to take her old car off the road, the one that we drove up to north conway in in the last weeks you were alive. she said that she always talks to you because you always sat in a certain place in the car and that when she found out that my dad had bought her a new car and couldn't stop crying and she asked you if you would come with her to the new car and that you said yes. and it got me thinking that i never really talk to you anymore. my mom says that she hears your voice all the time, but i don't...i don't even know if i can really remember it anymore.....sometimes when i listen really hard.
so you're there for my mom and my mom is there for you, but i'm not there for you. will i ever be able to deal, or will i just shut you out forever?
when i was on the phone with my mom i was crying and i just broke down right now. and it bugs me because i wonder if we would even talk right now. 10 years later....you about to turn 26 and me 28, would we even be close, would you and my sister be close, what would life be like? what would my life be like if i haden't had it shattered at 18?
anyways, i haven't cried that hard in a very long time, so maybe it's good for me. i'm going to go now and try to get some sleep.
love you,
larisa
posted by L | 11:45 PM
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