get on top.

i just talked on the phone for an hour to the guy at the burner hostel. i finally sent him some money and sent a little letter with my picture and some red stars and silver glitter speckles. he called me right away and sent an email, called again and sent another email. i finally got back to him tonight. he thanked me for my contribution, and my effort, and my shiny stars and glitter. we talked and talked and talked..about the people in our camp. about sohei, about metatech. about natahlie and sasha. about damien and giora adam. kiwi. rich, who i called "the rock star," because he always had some pretty young blond at his disposal. we talked about the hugs. he asked me what my adventures were. i was sad that i didn't know what to say.

i hate that there is so much i want to do...yet i'm so trapped inside myself. i know that i can't blame this on my parents..but they just have such a shallow view of the world...they've never been anywhere. i understand that alot of the things i want to do might be potentially dangerous. i understand that americans arn't so kindly welcome outside of the u.s. at this point. but i don't feel like i can live my life in fear because of this. why can't i change the agenda? why do i worry so much about what my family thinks..what my friends think..if what i'm doing is sane..logical...is anyone listening? this is what i want to do...why is it so hard... is it simply so that when it all does come together the rewards will be that much more rewarding. i am DETERMINED not to let them take me down..

i know this is what i said years ago. this is what i said before that fateful night with the kahlua bottle and the lighter. before the circles appeared and i had all my possessions taken away. i feel a little bit better this time around. i don't even think they'll need to put me away on this trip.

i wish i wasn't so naive. here i am, almost 25. i feel like a little little girl most of the time. i feel like i grow younger every year. i don't know if it's some part of my unconscious act...like the girl in 8th grade who plays dumb so that guys will like her. she plays dumb so often that she suddenly has no idea how to get back to the intellect she once had. i'm wondering if i played the innocent little girl to get me out of situations so many times, that i no longer know how to be the jaded person i was before.

perfect example. i just get too damn excited. i'm a spoiled brat. i get emotional really easily. i can't take needles. sometimes i cry. in public. sometimes i can't sit still. i want to jump and yell. i want to blow bubbles out of canisters on the esplanade. even my hooping is doll-like. the other girls get all sexy into it. and then it's just little me. i used to be so hard. almost sexy. now i'm just lame.

i want to be able to prove myself. i notice i'm friends with all these partiers. burning man is a perfect example. all these people take e and stay up and party all night. i'd have some rum and coke starting at like 7pm, get a little buzzed, walk around, dance a bit and go home. i had no urges to do these drugs with these people. i just wanted to be natural...really natural, just within myself..but i always end up feeling like i'm the one that's "no fun."

i know that i'm not stupid. then why do i feel this way? i must have the worst self esteem on the entire planet.

man...i've been so tired lately, but when i go to lie down and sleep i just lie lie lie there all night. i just took a klonopin. perhaps it will kick in soon.

yeah.

oh, also, i finally got my period. not pregnant.

night..