annoyed.

i'd like to take a moment to think about how ridiculously different i am from my family.

and now. ok.
so i guess in 'normal' society's terms i'm 'different." but given the people i see on a day to day basis and the things i do, i don't really think my life is all that strange. true, i am a hula hooper and do spin fire, but like ... why is that so ..odd?
true: i don't shave my armpits. i do my legs about once every three months because otherwise they get tangled in my knee socks and hurt. i mean...ok..i guess this isn't a social norm, but why is it considered so weird? why does my mom look at me like i'm crazy and call me gross? it's so annoying.
i called her today to ask her how my father makes the sauce for thanksgiving because we always have raviolies. she going on and on about spices and stuff so finally i had to say, "mom, just tell me if there is meat in the sauce." she got really confused and couldn't decide. i had to ask her several times. finally she told me that it's made with a pork base and i said, "hmm.." she's all like, "what? what? are you not eating meat now?"
like, again ...why is this such a fucking problem? she starts laughing and she says, "well ...that's cool larisa... that's ... uhm.."
fuck everything.
she wants to know why i don't have 9 to 5 job. why i don't have health insurance. why i have a crush on a transgendered man.
her: "but larisa, he has a vagina! how will you have normal sex?"
me: "what the hell is 'normal sex?'"
her: "oh, larisa. please. he has problems. at least wait until he gets surgery!"
me: "mom, i doubt he'll ever get surgery."
her: "what!? oh larisa, he's a GIRL. are you a lesbian?"
me: "mom, he's not a girl."
her: "larisa, he has a vagina. a va-gi-na. how will you have sex??"
me: "mom, there is more than one way to have sex."
her: "oh larisa, i know. i know. i've been around the block a few times." (puffing herself up.)
me: sure mom, you've been around the block, but you've only been around the block with MEN."
her: "what??"
me: "you know what, mom. nevermind."


and you know what. in all honestly. i have no idea what i am. i don't know if i'm a lesbian. i don't know if i'm queer. the people that i have crushes on - i like them for them. i don't care what the hell they have in their pants or under their shirts. i don't care if they shave or don't shave. i don't care if they are a man but they wear glitter. i don't care what their hair looks like. i only care that they are them and they are who i like. maybe i am fucking weird. maybe i don't make any fucking sense. maybe i should go out and get some stiletto heels and start straighting my hair on a daily basis and shave and talk about all the fucking martinis i drank. and you know what. i have no problem with the people who do this. i really don't care what the fuck anyone does as long as it is not hurting someone else. but my family seriously makes me feel like a fucking freak.

i hate it.
i've been trying to feel closer with them lately, but i only feel more alienated. i can't be myself around them and if i am they act like i'm a fucking sideshow display and ask all these questions. and maybe they just honestly want to know, but it makes me feel awful.

i don't really know why i'm writing this all out.
i just know that very very recently i have almost started to feel good about myself and the upcoming holidays just shoves me back into the same old box.


le sigh.
i just want to fly.


larisa
ann