uhmm.

so i went and saw my mom. she looks good although small. i guess i forgot how small she was. or maybe it's those damn hospital gowns. how scary. she was in good spirits and was quite thrilled that i had made the treck there. she kept saying, "2 trains and a bus!" ha. my mom's funny. we talked alot about life. she might even get let out tomorrow because her fever broke today. we'll see how it goes i guess.

it was funny, being back in my hometown. it's so ridiculous, because my parents live so close, like .. a half hour away by car, but it's such a different world out there. as i got off the bus and walked to the hospital i thought of so many things. i thought of growing up there, and how the houses looked so perfect, and i thought of the night that i lost my virginity, to meagan, and how new it all was to both of us, glittery little girls lost up in an attic with lots of incense and marijuana. i thought of those nights where i'd pierce my ears, and then boast about it, and pierced then my sister's ears and all her friends. or the night we pierced jen's belly button, but did it the wrong way. so silly.
sometimes i miss those years, though i really don't.
it just brings me to who i am today.

last night i was at duncan's. confused about alot of stuff. i kept asking him what he wanted and we were sort of on this whirlwind of a game and he was talking about friends and lovers and i laughed and made some comment about how we would actually make good lovers if i could actually fuck, and then he stopped and got all emotional and told me it warmed his heart that i had said that...that i had thought about it too, that he could wake up next to me, and that he did love me, larisa.

i don't know. i feel so awful and vain to even think about it. about all these people... saying these things ... what do these people know .. these people who fall in love with me, or claim to... and what is it...?


so last night in my drunken stupor i proposed to j.
like, holy fucking god.
"no" he said.
i looked at him and said, "i can't believe you rejected me."
and he said, "i don't want to get married, ever."
"you married lisa this summer."
"yeah, but that was fake."
oh.
oops.
"if you're scared, larisa, just stay in my bed."
"well, where are you going to sleep?"
"in my bed too. just tell me to move over."
....
"not like sexual.."
"oh j, i know .. you're like .. the only one i trust.."

and on it goes.


so today i'm with him and there's some big fucking secret about tomorrow and it somehow involves me but he wouldn't tell me about it and i'm begging and he goes all serious,
"larisa, it's nothing. look, i was just going to propose to you, ok."
"yeah..i think i proposed to you last night... i did, didn't i?"
he laughed, it was all good.
but i wonder if he knows ...
what's really inside.


i need to knock it off with being an asshole when i'm drunk. since i also hit on mike's girlfriend and i apologized today and she said, "it's ok larisa, i just don't like girls."

*blush*
i knew it.
i'm fucking queer.

i need to sleep.
and think.
another day.


peace.