written to myself in an email on 2.7.06

for years i've been formatting a video plan. my resume kicks ass. i look excellent on paper. however. i don't feel good about anything. i wish i had more life experience. i know that only living helps life experience. i don't know. i'm at the end of my rope. and i want to save my money for travel, and for a laptop and new camera, so i can be on my own, so i can go where i want and do video stuff, but i also need help. i need money. i need holistic help. i need to do something to better my mind and body, because otherwise i am going to lose it. i don't want to worry about killing myself in the future. and i hate being so unstable. i can't think anymore. i wish i could be as cool as you, as beautiful as you, as artistic as you. but i'm not you, and i'm not anyone else, so why am i trying to be? i'm sick of hearing about it, i'm sick of being it. i'm so so sick of everything.
i'm exhausted.