i'm reading this book on the power of now.
hoping above hoping that it will change my mindset.
my therapist has recommended a homeopathist.
perhaps it will help.
i've had the flu for a week and tonight i snorted a bunch of hot water up my nose. it was the most disgusting thing ever and it all came gushing out my mouth but suddenly i can breathe again! amazing.
i have to work tomorrow.
suck on it.
i want a real friend.
i want to move out of this house.
i was looking at jobs at yellowstone park but they are all restaurant jobs. and i would want something like a ranger job ... even though i've never done anything like that before.
i am sooo done with customer service.....
i need to make a gameplan.

here it is.

get together all my video shit.
put on a minidv tape plus dvd for safety.
make a list of all the shit i think is worthwhile.
make a quick "hey i edited this" demo reel.
make a quick "hey i shot this" demo reel.
throw it up on a nice, quick and easy website that has nothing on it but my demo reels and my video resume. no stress.
get freelance work.
that is going to be my goal for the next 2 to 3 weeks.

i am also going to make a general resume for myself to get out of the gardner. but maybe not. who knows who cares. one thing at a time. the power of now.
no more past and future.

i want to delete my old self.
larisa ann.
no longer are you:
fucked up
a high school alcoholic and druggie
a bad friend
using people for sex so you can get what you want
promiscuous
self defeating
an exhospitalized girl
a ruin of emotion.

delete.


i want to start fresh and new.
i want to know that i am worth something.
me
larisa ann.
you are so worth something.
and you are so smart and creative and talanted.
and funny and pretty and sexy and cute
and loveable!
and endearing
and fun
and a good friend
and you help out others when they are down
and you get people out of drug crisises.
and i know you think that's lame but that's a skill.
a skill that you have helped out many many people on drugs who thought they were losing their minds.
all felt better after they talked with you.
and yeah they were still fucked up, but with you .. they knew they were gonna be ok.
and you almost made the crisis fun
in your own larisa way.
you've gotten people through hard times.
and your mom said she was proud of you.
and that she was proud to be your friend.
that's got to stand for something larisa.
so fuck jaimes.
i know it hurts. and i know it hurts that it's not a real friendship. it's just a blip on the map. a moment in itself. and one day you'll be over him. you really will. and then maybe you'll be able to view him as a real friend. and you won't feel sick when you think of him. but either way this situation has taught you alot. like don't kiss your fucking roommmates. no stop it larisa, you're being negative again. ok. what's the real lesson here.....
well yeah part of it is don't kiss your roommates, but you know that he was/is so much more than a roommate.
how about..
choose your lovers wisely.
only tell someone you like them when you are both sober.
or a little buzzed. but not wasted!
accept rejection larisa.
forgive and forget.
realize that it's not you.
it's not you it's not you it's not you.




it's not you it's not you it's not you.
believe in the power of the now.

believe in the power of the now.