some bullshit i found on an old flppy disk. spring 2003.
I just need to fucking die right now, mark’s being an asshole on the phone, I call him to see what up about the realtor and he thinks that just cuz he’s in a bad mood means he can just totally ignore me while I’m sitting at work risking my ass to call him to insure that we don’t fucked and have to pay two rents through this whole fucking dilemma. He knows that I can’t call the realtor and doesn’t even seem to find it odd that the landlord doesn’t know that we are leaving on june 1st, like what is this fucking crap, I can hardly take it. The whole reason he wanted to leave long is because of Nathan, and now he is trying to bring Nathan along and I’m so fucking sick of dealing with this drama..i can’t take any more fucking queenie drama I don’t trust a goddamn person, I don’t give a fuck, I need to get the hell out of long, and if mark decides to stay behind then fuck it I will call up laura and she can be the 3rd roommate along with matt. Fucking lame fucking lame fucking lame fucking lame fucking lame…what the hell and I supposed to do now? Just sit here and let mark walk all over me like he expects to…just let him fucking ignore me like I’m not even a person…not even fucking there. Well fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. I can’t fucking take this shit I feel like I do every fucking thing, everything in the robbery everything in this apt deal, and all he wants to do is say how he cant take it and fucking smoke weed every fucking day lets gets drunk and block out our problems and let Larisa handle everything. I’m just about set to pack up my fucking stuff and move to Portland with rich. Fuck this it will get me out of everything I can start a new life with my fucking hpv and move the fuck on. Who cares if I will just serve to be somebodys girlfriend, somebody’s light, somebody’s love, I could sure use it right about now. I miss my misfits cd. I miss everything. I miss screaming along to bad religion at the top of my lungs. I miss my life when I liked it, cuz I hate it now, and it doesn’t seem to be getting all that much better, I fee like I’m walking on water about to crash through any second and drown. I need to fucking shoot myself. What the fuck was that conversation. I don’t even want to go home and it just serves to remind me that I’m just a runaway at heart. All I ever do is run away. I can never set down roots cuz I don’t trust any one enough and I don’t care enough about anything to stay put for very long. Life is this long endless fucking pool of vomit that I happen to be swimming in, every fucking last breathing day of my fucking life. I hate myself and I want to die.
5/7/03 3:50 pm
I feel a little better today though not by much.
*sent deferment to Fitchburg state, there’s one good thing..
*posted apt online on craig’s list and sublet.com
*cleaned room
(must clean more tonight)
5/13/03
I notice that some days I feel ok..and other days…like this day..i feel like my head is going to smash someone’s face in. it’s just so hard when you feel like you have this huge rock resting on your chest..for your whole entire life..i wish that I had ok chemicals..that I didn’t feel like I couldn’t breathe at all. I’m not making any stupid sense..
I sort of freaked out on Nathan last night..i meant to but I didn’t meant to at the same time. I just hate how he demands attention. He feels the need to have to come and bash my door to say hi, he can’t just knock….
5:29 PM
feeling a little bit better, I like when the crowds leave and I can just sit at my desk and do as I please. Called mark a bit ago, he’s spent the day with Nathan and is stoned. Does It ever end?
5/16/03
10:52 am
I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I’m on the rag and I hate it. I feel like I just want to cry. I don’t know what to do about sublets. I don’t know what to do about anything. I feel like my world is falling to pieces…(somebody put me together??)
What do I do when the rent comes in and I have not one but TWO rents to pay? What do I do when no one gives a shit but me? What do I do when my fillings fall out of my face and I have to keep getting them refilled? Yeah. Shoot me. Somebody PLEASE fucking help me. I’m on the verge of a major nervous breakdown. And fuck my therapist for canceling on me.
Hey Christina,
Right now I feel like I’m going to die. I’m on my period so bad, and my head is pounding. I feel like I’m going to puke over this whole apt situation. I so wish I could come out to NY this weekend. My god, my life is such a bust right now. Things will get better for both of us!!! (I hope!!) It just pisses me off that Sarah and Nathan have not tried to help out in this AT ALL. Like, wtf. I’m so sick of doing EVERYTHING all the TIME. Fuck. I have to go home to the hellrose tonight, a bust as usual, but at least I will get to see the Spiker’s face. Always a good thing. I have a hole in my tooth, right where they filled it before, so obviously it’s the same cavity with the filling having fallen out if it, but they are trying to convince me that it’s a new cavity in the same tooth..within 6 months, when I don’t even eat a lot of cavity causing foods. So annoying, they just want my money!!! Basterds!!!!!!!!
Hey, when is that wedding anyways?? Do you know what kind of a dress you are going to get??? I would so rather be in ny watching you shop than sitting in a dentist’s chair…I’m sooooo scared of novacaine needles!!!
I got my hair cut yesterday and the asshole ripped my earring through my ear by mistake. It was like…gauged!! He like punched me in the ear with his first finger and thumb. It never fails. I tell hairdressers about my earrings every single time..right at the beginning and they always catch them or rip them out or something. Once my earring came out on this girl’s comb!! It’s a good thing I’ve had them all for like 9 years or I’d SCREAM!!!
So I don’t really know how I feel about my hair just yet. I asked him to put layers in it..but he didn’t put many. I think I just need to wait for this whole mess to grow out. What a horrible disaster lol!!!!
I hope all is going well for you!! Did you get my message on your phone??
I’ll talk to you soon. I’ll be at my parents tonight. ***-***-****, if ya need anything!!
Love you miss you!! And lol, who is that song by?????
LaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarissssssssssssaJ
So I feel a bit off right now. I just got into work. This morning was really strange in the fact that it just reminded me all the more that I have been assaulted. I go to the doctor and I’m fine, but as soon as she goes to touch me, as soon as she touches my breast I begin bawling, bawling and bawling and I can’t stop. I just feel so violated. I can’t imagine ever feeling good about this again. I don’t know if I should contact rosie and the other girls. As soon as I get a chance I’m going to make a copy of this zine for heather. I really like heather and I think I’d much rather go and visit her in Portland than rich. At least with her I know that we could go out and have a good time..rich just brings along so many fucking emotional issues, not even mentioning the fact that I have to practically fight him off me. And I’ve decided that for myself, I’m not going to do this anymore. I’m going to stand my ground as much as I possibly can, and this time its going to be fully.
Been making a lot of realizations, been trying to hold my ground through all this chaos and homelessness, and mark’s grandmother dying, and paying both rents on time, and not smoking and keeping myself relatively sane. Oh yeah, and then the sallie mae bill. Its just all so much, it makes me wonder how I’m not right back in the hospital again.
INSIDE MY HEAD IS A WORLD OF DOUBT.
6/11/03
I’m not exactly sure what is going on in my head lately. I’ve been having random crying bursts, my head is this huge pile of disaster. I went to the show last night and all I could think about was ex lover’s and friends and what the cost of living really is. I also thought about consequences, and blah blah blah.
6/20/03
fuck me, just fuck me. Honestly.
6/24/03
7/15/03
Jackson brown – stay
So anyways, I’m like mega pissed off right now. Not even pissed off..just scared maybe? Just the way that mark was talking last night about globalization and how its good, its like the beast has gotten inside of his head. I don’t feel they way he does, in fact I feel drastically the opposite, but I don’t want to say anything because I really value our friendship….how do you say, your opinions disgust me???? I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it anymore. Also, adam the houseguest is on my nerves. I’m so sorry that I have to go to work in the morning, and that I’m just not cool enough. I’m sorry that I don’t smoke weed, that I’m not down with getting high all the time, that I quit smoking and that I’m trying to do something for me for once. I’m sick of people coming over and eating my food. It’s all I have.
I’m so sick of being a moody disturbed bitch.
7/16/03
so I was an hour late today. I feel like such a chump. Now I have to stay here until 6 pm. And then I need to meet …(rach for the blue man)
3:23 PM
I feel so tired. I wish I was never tired. I wish I was happy. I wish I could smile. I wish I could get off the loan for alex. I wish wish wish that life could be good. I wish I knew what was missing.
Half the time I feel like I need to die. I wish I never thought this way. I wish ..
7/29/03
about Joshua.
I feel really sick right now. I didn’t get much sleep as my head was reeling at 200 miles an hour. I really like this boy, I really do..but he reminds me a lot of jon of summit days, with being all over me and such. I need space, constant space. I’m not looking for a boyfriend, or anything really. I don’t know how to put this. That what I thought I wanted is not at all what I really wanted. That I want to fall in love naturally, not cuz it is a forced big mess. I’m trying to think.
Its all like this big fucking gun to my head. I feel like I’m falling apart most of the time. If he was exactly how he is, without the clinginess, then it would be great. Like absolutely. But honestly. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I will continue to go on movie dates with ryan. I’ll call jake. I’ll go out with terence and go skydiving and take rides on his motorcycle. I go meet Gorman and have him take pictures of me soaking wet in my bathtub. I can’t deal with a jealous boyfriend who wants to spend every waking moment with me.
5/7/03 3:50 pm
I feel a little better today though not by much.
*sent deferment to Fitchburg state, there’s one good thing..
*posted apt online on craig’s list and sublet.com
*cleaned room
(must clean more tonight)
5/13/03
I notice that some days I feel ok..and other days…like this day..i feel like my head is going to smash someone’s face in. it’s just so hard when you feel like you have this huge rock resting on your chest..for your whole entire life..i wish that I had ok chemicals..that I didn’t feel like I couldn’t breathe at all. I’m not making any stupid sense..
I sort of freaked out on Nathan last night..i meant to but I didn’t meant to at the same time. I just hate how he demands attention. He feels the need to have to come and bash my door to say hi, he can’t just knock….
5:29 PM
feeling a little bit better, I like when the crowds leave and I can just sit at my desk and do as I please. Called mark a bit ago, he’s spent the day with Nathan and is stoned. Does It ever end?
5/16/03
10:52 am
I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I’m on the rag and I hate it. I feel like I just want to cry. I don’t know what to do about sublets. I don’t know what to do about anything. I feel like my world is falling to pieces…(somebody put me together??)
What do I do when the rent comes in and I have not one but TWO rents to pay? What do I do when no one gives a shit but me? What do I do when my fillings fall out of my face and I have to keep getting them refilled? Yeah. Shoot me. Somebody PLEASE fucking help me. I’m on the verge of a major nervous breakdown. And fuck my therapist for canceling on me.
Hey Christina,
Right now I feel like I’m going to die. I’m on my period so bad, and my head is pounding. I feel like I’m going to puke over this whole apt situation. I so wish I could come out to NY this weekend. My god, my life is such a bust right now. Things will get better for both of us!!! (I hope!!) It just pisses me off that Sarah and Nathan have not tried to help out in this AT ALL. Like, wtf. I’m so sick of doing EVERYTHING all the TIME. Fuck. I have to go home to the hellrose tonight, a bust as usual, but at least I will get to see the Spiker’s face. Always a good thing. I have a hole in my tooth, right where they filled it before, so obviously it’s the same cavity with the filling having fallen out if it, but they are trying to convince me that it’s a new cavity in the same tooth..within 6 months, when I don’t even eat a lot of cavity causing foods. So annoying, they just want my money!!! Basterds!!!!!!!!
Hey, when is that wedding anyways?? Do you know what kind of a dress you are going to get??? I would so rather be in ny watching you shop than sitting in a dentist’s chair…I’m sooooo scared of novacaine needles!!!
I got my hair cut yesterday and the asshole ripped my earring through my ear by mistake. It was like…gauged!! He like punched me in the ear with his first finger and thumb. It never fails. I tell hairdressers about my earrings every single time..right at the beginning and they always catch them or rip them out or something. Once my earring came out on this girl’s comb!! It’s a good thing I’ve had them all for like 9 years or I’d SCREAM!!!
So I don’t really know how I feel about my hair just yet. I asked him to put layers in it..but he didn’t put many. I think I just need to wait for this whole mess to grow out. What a horrible disaster lol!!!!
I hope all is going well for you!! Did you get my message on your phone??
I’ll talk to you soon. I’ll be at my parents tonight. ***-***-****, if ya need anything!!
Love you miss you!! And lol, who is that song by?????
LaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarissssssssssssaJ
So I feel a bit off right now. I just got into work. This morning was really strange in the fact that it just reminded me all the more that I have been assaulted. I go to the doctor and I’m fine, but as soon as she goes to touch me, as soon as she touches my breast I begin bawling, bawling and bawling and I can’t stop. I just feel so violated. I can’t imagine ever feeling good about this again. I don’t know if I should contact rosie and the other girls. As soon as I get a chance I’m going to make a copy of this zine for heather. I really like heather and I think I’d much rather go and visit her in Portland than rich. At least with her I know that we could go out and have a good time..rich just brings along so many fucking emotional issues, not even mentioning the fact that I have to practically fight him off me. And I’ve decided that for myself, I’m not going to do this anymore. I’m going to stand my ground as much as I possibly can, and this time its going to be fully.
Been making a lot of realizations, been trying to hold my ground through all this chaos and homelessness, and mark’s grandmother dying, and paying both rents on time, and not smoking and keeping myself relatively sane. Oh yeah, and then the sallie mae bill. Its just all so much, it makes me wonder how I’m not right back in the hospital again.
INSIDE MY HEAD IS A WORLD OF DOUBT.
6/11/03
I’m not exactly sure what is going on in my head lately. I’ve been having random crying bursts, my head is this huge pile of disaster. I went to the show last night and all I could think about was ex lover’s and friends and what the cost of living really is. I also thought about consequences, and blah blah blah.
6/20/03
fuck me, just fuck me. Honestly.
6/24/03
7/15/03
Jackson brown – stay
So anyways, I’m like mega pissed off right now. Not even pissed off..just scared maybe? Just the way that mark was talking last night about globalization and how its good, its like the beast has gotten inside of his head. I don’t feel they way he does, in fact I feel drastically the opposite, but I don’t want to say anything because I really value our friendship….how do you say, your opinions disgust me???? I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it anymore. Also, adam the houseguest is on my nerves. I’m so sorry that I have to go to work in the morning, and that I’m just not cool enough. I’m sorry that I don’t smoke weed, that I’m not down with getting high all the time, that I quit smoking and that I’m trying to do something for me for once. I’m sick of people coming over and eating my food. It’s all I have.
I’m so sick of being a moody disturbed bitch.
7/16/03
so I was an hour late today. I feel like such a chump. Now I have to stay here until 6 pm. And then I need to meet …(rach for the blue man)
3:23 PM
I feel so tired. I wish I was never tired. I wish I was happy. I wish I could smile. I wish I could get off the loan for alex. I wish wish wish that life could be good. I wish I knew what was missing.
Half the time I feel like I need to die. I wish I never thought this way. I wish ..
7/29/03
about Joshua.
I feel really sick right now. I didn’t get much sleep as my head was reeling at 200 miles an hour. I really like this boy, I really do..but he reminds me a lot of jon of summit days, with being all over me and such. I need space, constant space. I’m not looking for a boyfriend, or anything really. I don’t know how to put this. That what I thought I wanted is not at all what I really wanted. That I want to fall in love naturally, not cuz it is a forced big mess. I’m trying to think.
Its all like this big fucking gun to my head. I feel like I’m falling apart most of the time. If he was exactly how he is, without the clinginess, then it would be great. Like absolutely. But honestly. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I will continue to go on movie dates with ryan. I’ll call jake. I’ll go out with terence and go skydiving and take rides on his motorcycle. I go meet Gorman and have him take pictures of me soaking wet in my bathtub. I can’t deal with a jealous boyfriend who wants to spend every waking moment with me.
posted by L | 10:06 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home