all the horizons gone.

i don't like myself very much right now.

i've been trying to date joshua for a couple of weeks now. i'm petrified. there's something real going on with me. i can't be close to him. i'm so confused i can't figure out what's up or down anymore.

i'm having such a hard time coming to terms with this.

the fact that i really don't like penis.

i don't like penis.

i don't know what the fuck i like anymore.

i just want it sweet, non pressured. i want to be able to know that you can control yourself.
you don't give a fuck anyways.
tonight i sat here looking online for gay and lesbian hotline numbers.
because i'm fucking petrified.

i don't know how to do it.
i don't know how to do it.

i just want things to be the way they were before.
i don't want a hetero relationship. well then larisa, why are you kissing a boy? well gee, self, i don't fucking know.

the grass is always greener on the other side.
i want to talk to my therpist about some things.
i'd like to talk to her about some stuff that i'm ashamed to admit to even on here. a place where not a soul knows me. you can't even say it can you, larisa.

i'm trippin out.
the world has become a crazy place.
i'm too scared to think.

i know that this world is going to shit.
i know that i'm everyday people are dying that i don't know about.
i know that i'm ashamed to be an american.
ashamed of myself.
i'm from america.
if i went overseas i'd probably lie and say i was from canada. and then i feel so awful for thinking that.
i don't know what to do anymore.
sometimes i want out. out fucking out of this life.

time is different.



bed.