exactly one year ago today i moved back from LA.
funny how time just passes.
i've been thinking alot about how time passes. how catherine's bday was this week .. and she's 30. mike will be 29 in a couple of weeks. my mom will be 51. jaimes turns 27 this year. and m and i turn 26.
where is the time going?
how come i can feel the downfall of my body? things crack easier, i don't recover so fast from drinking et al. it's just so weird to think about.
i don't want to lose control of my mind, my body. i just don't want to think about it anymore.
so right now j's in denver and m's in oklahoma and i'm feeling a little lonely. i've got the cat, oh she's so sweet, and i layed for awhile in j's room with her, feeling so at home, and then i felt creepy, oh god, why am i so creepy? i went to mark's last night because he was freaking out thinking the cops were after him and etc (like, what) and then we ended up just laying in bed talking and i was telling him about how joshua wants to me to be his girlfriend, that he's looking for a life partner, and that i don't know what to do, because i do like joshua, but .... should i tell j, should i tell him... mark says i should, - what if he feels the same way? yeah fucking right, dude.
i'll never tell that boy my true feelings.
so i cut my hair today. like 4 inches. it's a weird cut. i don't know. i'm going to let it settle for a week and then when m comes back from oklahoma i'm going to have her cut off the bottom layer if i'm still feeling weird about it. then it will be chin length. weird. am i ready for it?
xmas eve is freaking tomorrow.
my ex girlfriend sent me an email. she was my mom's nurse in the hospital and she was like, oh i'd love to see you blah blah blah. i feel ...oh i don't know ... we just never talked about what happened with us... ever.. it was such a horrible breakup with her threatening to kill herself and then i had decided that i liked boys and then started hanging out with all my drug friends and we just sort of lost touch. not totally, but enough. i don't know. part of me wants to talk about it with her, but the other part of me is scared to... because what if i want to kiss her after that...and she's got a 5 year old daughter... i mean....i don't know what i mean. lately i don't know what is going on at all. i like j, i like joshua, but no ..i want a girlfriend, but do i...and then i just don't want anyone....and then i just want to get into a plane, or on a boat and go go go go....but then...no.
i'm applying for an artist residency. with j, of course, my total partner in crime in everything.
i know the boy loves me, why can't i just leave it at that?
and then this thing with joshua ... what is going on?
so we started kissing and stuff, oh, i don't know. i told him that i wanted to get tested since i haven't since that guy this summer and then he offered to get tested too..but that's like so....
and then he told me that he thinks we are looking for different things so i said, how do you mean? and he was like, "well i don't think you're looking for anything," and i said, "well, what are you looking for?" "a life partner," he responds.
and i'm like .....joshua....i don't think....
"oh larisa, i'd never put that on you, i'd never expect you to live up to that?"
"well then what do you want from me?"

who knows, who knows.
what's wrong with me? why is it so scary to commit to anything?

i've got to wrap up the gifts i bought today. make a card for my mom.
she called me crying today because she wanted me to know that no matter what everything is going to be ok.
??


sometimes i just don't know what is going on.
but lately i feel stangely....serene.


i guess we'll see.


larisa.