i feel strangely serene in this moment. i think it's because i know that i need a plan. my mom always says that anxiety comes from sitting still. still in your motives, still in your ideas.

phone.

ok, that was j. he's coming home tomorrow at 5am. maybe i'll meet him at the airport. or maybe not. i don't know. i missed him while he was away, but i also need a breath. i feel like i need to run away from him, but it's not fair. it's not his fault that i like him, and it's not his fault that i think of him all the time. i'm just a little tired.
but strangely serene.
and i am serene.
calm.
even when i'm in the car tonight and oliver had blatently called me an idiot when i said shit about how no one makes money off selling pot and he went on and on about people dying! killing! everywhere for pot! *snore* but still. he didn't need to berate me.

till i'm sick.
skyline of numbers.

tomorrow is new years ever and i don't care.
i don't want to do anything.
this party that i was thinking of going to might have a full guest list .. i don't know. i'm staying in tonight because there's really no one i'd like to hang out with. i don't feel close to anyone anymore.
maybe karen, but she's with oliver right now, and like, yeah yeah yeah, we hung out all day and then she's going back to florida to finish school and i'll sit up here, wasting ..

time.

i'm thinking of applying to the peace corps. one of my mom's nurses in the hospital had a niece or something that did video in the peace corps in the caribbean. like, how fucking hot is that? i can't sit up here anymore thinking about j, and my sexuality, and everything else. the time has come to take action of some sort.

i hope that wherever i go, i'll know you forever. whoever you are.


i really don't feel close to anyone anymore.
i guess it's lonely - i don't really know. and do i care? maybe. but sometimes i wonder.

netflix arrived today. eternal sunshine. dear god, am i am the right mindset for this? i've been told plenty of times that i resemble the girl in that film, which i'm not entirely sure if it's an insult or not.

checked out the journal of a former friend today. she seems to be doing well. i wonder if it will always hurt that she didn't give a fuck about me and my feelings.


perhaps i'll paint tonight. with the radio on softly. or maybe i'll smoke a joint and hula hoop - but i'm sort of liking my mindset right now.
or perhaps i'll wash my hair, oh ever so dirty - but who knows.

i guess i should go and be productive.

i guess.